The Puns... The Puns!

Holy fucking SHIT I am sick of reading a headline about a game or movie release that has a pun in it. Today I had to use the counter technique from Fist of the Northstar on my brain to keep it from exploding after I read these pieces of god-awful, shit writing-

"Just Cause 2 grapples onto March 23 release date"

God-DAMMIT. I'd rather get a sandpaper hand-job with 40 grit than read a fucking pun in a headline.

"Red Dead Redemption saddles up in April 2010"

That one got my dander up so much that the UFC said they won't come to Portland for at least 6 months due to "alarmingly high dander levels that may cause fear and intimidation in our fighters."

These retards seem to be under the impression that people want some old-man, 1860s humor with their release dates. This spill-over phenomenon from section F newspaper headline style writing isn't limited to utter-shit sites like Joystiq that are written by community college dropout volunteers; professional sites with real employees are just as guilty, if not more-so since they (in theory at least) should be hiring people who actually have some sort of writing knowledge. The truest sign of people with absolutely no talent is not that they emulate (i.e. steal) style from more respected forms of media, but that they fucking steal the WORST parts of that style (shitty pun headlines) while their colossal ineptitude prevents them from stealing any of the good parts (like competent writing and actual research beyond reading it on another website).

I'm struggling to imagine the kind of decision making that says "hey, instead of just having a machine spit out some release date headlines let's go ahead and hire a human to make up faggotarded puns so that all those people out there who are looking for a little personality in their release date headlines will choose our site!" As if there's some huge demographic of slack-jaws who, darnit, just can't get enough of them release dates and are actively searching for the site that can give each and every release date headline the extra bite that only a pun can provide. For fuck's sake, even downies get pissed off at puns.

Downie being mentally abused by Gamespot.com

The worst part is that you know whoever writes these things is sitting there with a smug smile on their face as if they just did something really clever. PUNS AREN'T FUCKING CLEVER. They are the crutch of retards who can't write, period. You want some proof? Here's a bunch of stupid headlines I just made up in literally 6 seconds-

"Final Fantasy XIII is finally released 13-78-93"
"Dragon Age Origins isn't taking ages draggin' to retail, releases 10-23-89"
"Heavenly Sword gets heavenly sequel's release date sworded-out on 81-74-00"

That's how easy it is. I purposefully tried to make those even worse than most puns, but halfway through the 3rd of the 6 seconds it took to write them I realized you can't make puns any worse than they are because they are already at the absolute zero level of the hilarity scale. They are the deep, deep space, perfect vacuum of humor. The only things that even approach puns for lack of hilarity are Mexican Comedy and everything Seth McFarlane has ever done (for comparison, the Holocaust is approximately 10^7 times funnier than either of those).

Honestly, if you've ever written a pun I sincerely hope you fucking bleed to death out of your ass.

Why I Don't Play Games Online.

Poofy-hair and Young Charlie Sheen showing how real warriors start every game battle.

I fucking hate playing games online. It's pointless, retarded, and while I won't claim that my time is in any way well-spent (except for the constant getting blasted in the stomach with cannon balls and standing under waterfalls chopping trees in half training), I can literally think of 1001 things that are a better use of it than playing some shit first person shooter against a bunch of abnormal, socially-inept dipshits halfway across the country. It's not fun-- if I want fun I'll play a good single player campaign where there are actual engineered challenges and progression instead of a series of cluster-fuck encounters on square maps where you try to make a number go up a few times so you can momentarily see your name above some other names on a single screen before doing it all over again.

There is no payoff in winning against anonymous enemies. There is no satisfaction in that kind of empty victory.

"How can that be, oh warrior?" you might be saying to yourself, "I feel a sense of victory every time I see my kill count go up!" Yes, but you're battling a bunch of fucking mentally-retarded children, fatsos, and worst of all, scrawny internet tough guys who's only courage in life comes from complete anonymity. Those are your opponents, over whom you feel superior when you win. Well fucking GODDAMMIT, I would HOPE you fucking feel superior to those shit-eating slack-jaws. I can't even fathom someone who finds it fun to play games against complete strangers who can call you "GAY NIGGER," "HOMO NIGGER," and whatever other stupid combinations of "NIGGER" and "HOMOSEXUAL" they stole from South Park with complete impunity. It's just moronic.

A true warrior only takes pride in victories that are tangible. Sure the government can press a button and nuke half the world from the safety of a bunker, but they know there's no satisfaction in crushing their enemies that way. When you can thoroughly kick your friend's ass at Street Fighter IV and then see the anguish on his face as he struggles to hold back tears of frustration, THAT is a real victory. A warrior craves the palpable sorrow that gets stuck in his nostrils and fills his belly. He needs to feel the flow of blood on his hands as he socks a mother fucker in the mouth for calling him a "GAYFAG" to his face. That is what real victories are about. You're not going to drive any enemies before you and hear the lamentations of their women (metaphorically speaking of course, we all know the "girlfriends" of these guys have to stay away from dairy farms for fear of mistaken identities with hilarious results) if you can't fucking see the cowardly fucks.

So in summary, online gaming is for scrawny little boys and lard-tittied, puffy-nippled retards who don't have the balls to face real men in split-screen combat. I concede that if you actually know the people you're playing online against in real life and can mule-kick them in the throat for getting uppity with you, that's acceptable as long as you remember to do it before they forget what they did wrong (like training a dog).

Things that disgust me- Lance Armstrong

X-ray view of Lance during a race

I fucking hate Lance Armstrong. Hate him. This guy is the biggest money grubbing sell-out hypocrite in the sports world. It's a given that sports stars are going to endorse every product on god's plastic covered earth- hell I've got a patent on a riding lawnmower that transforms into a 9 foot tall black robot with a fire-hose cock that shoots grass mulch & dirt into your anus, and I've got like 7 football players beating down my door to endorse it. Lance Armstrong though, the guy is a fuckstain on the panties of a morbidly obese transvestite who just got horse-fucked by a stallion with equine AIDS.


First of all, he cheats his way to winning that stupid biking thing in Germany or France or wherever the fuck it is, like 7 times. The guy is a doper, plain and simple, and if you don't believe that then you're stupid. Nothing witty, you're just plain stupid. Then the guy gets "cancer", as in the type of cancer that celebrities get where it's sort of like real cancer only since they have shitloads of money and access to sweet drugs they don't die from it, just get a boost to their careers (sort of like when they get AIDS, only people will still swim with them).

Then, get this, he fucking cheats his way to winning that retarded cycling contest again! If people couldn't tell already, he's a fucking doper- you don't recover from cancer and then beat the best cyclists in the world without a little "help". You can recover from cancer, or you can win the Tour De Puerto Rico, but you can't do both. Now people look up to this guy like he's some kind of altruistic hero, going out there and championing his fake charity and just being an all around good ol' boy who overcame adversity, despite the fact that he's a fucking cheater, a liar, and a corporate shill who uses his "street cred" from fronting a fake charity to get people to buy into whatever shit product he's endorsing at that microsecond.

He even cheated his gummi-boner into her stretched out bum-plumb.

What really pisses me off about this guy is those god damned Livestrong bracelets that every single-celled amoeba-like retard with a credit card from Abercrombie & Fitch wears. I see these things everywhere, but the bulk of them are on mongoloids with catastrophically low cognitive functionality who consider grade school math "confusing" and own flip-flops. What the fuck is wrong with people that they donate $3 (of which like .25 actually goes towards any research) to some stupid fake charity and then announce it to the world by wearing the proof like they did some ogasmically awesome thing? It's 3 fucking dollars you rancid-gummed colon-scrapers; that's barely enough to buy a cup of coffee, did you really swallow so much lead in grade school that you're retarded enough to believe your pathetic gesture is worthy of recognition?

Every time I see a Livestrong bracelet I want to yell at the moron wearing it, "Let me bow down to your generosity, oh benevolent one, you have given SO much of yourself, wear your emblem of goodwill and charity with pride!" Fuck you, you stupid bracelet wearing, shit eating fucks. If you wear a livestrong bracelet I want to fist fuck your throat with Voltron's fist while the fat guy lion pilot trains a real lion to ram a 19 inch black dildo up your rectum with its teeth while mauling your stupid fucking eyeballs out with a face level reach around.

Things that disgust me- Fucking hipsters!

There are so many things in this world that piss me off, it's really hard to narrow it down to one at a time. Fat people, obese people, morbidly obese people, people who are fat- all these things make me fucking angry as the angriest anal you've ever witnessed or received- but at the top of the list sits the vilest thing I can think of, and trust me, you better have your pants pulled up when I tell you what it is or else you're going to propel that jizz sick off your emaciated little hog with such a fierce expulsion of liquid man that you'll still be pulling crusty threads out of your ceiling a month from now.

I'm talking about guys who look even remotely like this.


God damned, mother fucking, shit-eating hipsters. Men do not dress like that. Pretentious rectum suckers whose breath reeks of shit and spoiled milk dress like that.

I fucking hate hipsters with all of the rage that Odin has granted me, which is shit-tons because once I saved his ass from being gang-raped by a pack of half-nigerian Visigoths who caught him beating off in the bushes outside their village chief's 5 year old son's bath house. When he asked me what I wanted as a reward, I said "A member that has the heft, length, girth, and exact shape of Mjolnir, all 42.7 pounds!" to which Odin replied, "Done and done, when you again step foot in the land of your kin, it will be as you asked!" But turns out my dong was already that size, so the bastard didn't do shit for me and he knew it all along, letting me waste my reward.

If I still had that reward, I would ask for the chance to rip every hipster asshole's asshole asunder with the stoutest tree freshly felled from the Nordic forests of my homeland. The friction of pounding hipster rectum would steadily grind the tree down, until finally every hipster anus in existence would be prolapsed and full of splinters, and all I would be left with is a tooth pick to gouge out all their stupid fucking retarded eyeballs. Then I'd tie all their prolapsed rectums together into the biggest mop the world has ever seen and use it to wipe wherever the fuck gypsies and those Russians that wear poofy shirts come from off the map.

Shirt lifters

The dipshit has 3 of those fucking stupid hats.

Caution- this rant will give you a thick, full boner so pregnant with blood that I advise you to rub some coconut oil on it so you don't get boner stretch marks.

I fucking hate guys who lift up their shirts when someone takes a picture of them. Real buff warriors don't need to lift up their fucking shirts every time a camera comes out. Have you ever seen a painting of a Viking with his bloody jerkin lifted up? No, because they were god-damned fortresses of anti-faggotry.

I think it's an involuntary, instinctual response brought on by Axe-body-spray-damaged chromosomes stemming from DNA mutated by close proximity to polo shirts. Seriously, fuck polo shirts. Wearing a polo shirt is like saying, "Hey, I'm a sandwich baggy full of vaginal discharge!" I hate polo shirts so much that I want to graft some legs on a shark, train it to hate polo shirts as much I do, then let it sit on a bench and watch while I beat the shit out of people who wear them.

Anyway, shirt-lifters are known to have modified strain of down's syndrome, which instead of giving them super-human strength and fucked up faces, gives them super-human senses of self-worth and fucked up, massively retarded levels of insecurity. Also they have tiny hogs.

I can hear some of you scrawny freedom-haters saying, "hey but you're just jealous!" This is the first line of defense of someone who failed special ed and had to retake Sharp Objects 101. Let me say this plainly- I love buff dudes. Hell I spend so much time watching weight lifting videos and looking at paintings of Conan that sometimes my veinious hangious gets so confused it tries to hang itself with my scrotum. Buffness is fucking awesome. What's not awesome is mildly buff guys who believe themselves to be Magnus Ver Magnussen showing off their semen-filled stomachs any chance they get.

Things that disgust me- 3oh!3

Oh shit, some white guys just got a hold of a Casio keyboard and a drum machine, time for this years "funny white guys rapping" group! Who am I talking about? These two yeast infections-

Newest contender for worst rap group of all time

Call me a doctor because I need some stitches for my sides! Check these guys out- the dude in the front is, holy shit, biting a microphone cord! Can he do that??!! And that guy in the background, OH MY GOD! Is that a wacky outfit with ironic sunglasses and an outrageously tacky scarf? The stitches I just freshly had put in my side are now splitting! I feel like my funny bone just got suplexed off the empire state building straight onto a nuclear warhead!

Seriously, FUCK these retards. Their whole bag is that they pretend they're really hard. That's it. No witty observations, no sarcastic commentary on ghetto/yuppy cultures, no creativity whatsoever. They just rap like gangster black guys would, but they do it "ironically." And they do it over shitty beats that sound like something off a down-syndrome tribute to Timbaland's worst tracks performed by the Kidz Bop live show.

Hot new rap group, or two guys who wouldn't know funny if it shit donkey jaw bones up their dick holes? You decide!

Does anyone actually listen to the genre of "humorous rap?" Judging by how many hits these guys have on their myspace page I'd say tragically, yes. I assume their fans are the same people who watch Mad TV, go to see romantic comedies, and EAT SHIT. Listening to their music makes me feel like my face is being smothered in the fattest man alive's sweaty chode while my own chode is being gnawed on by a crack whore's gap toothed grill. Even orangutans, who will laugh at anything no matter how fucking stupid (i.e. Dane Cook), are disgusted with 3oh!3.

3oh!3 fails the famed "Orangutan test" for funny.

Things that disgust me, part 1.

The term "minty" when used to describe the condition of something. Why add the fucking y? It's more work to type it, it sounds stupid, and it doesn't do a better job of telling someone how nice of condition something is. Either something is fucking MINT or it isn't, there is no "minty" designation that somehow transcends mint and pushes the condition a scoshe or two past it.

This retarded trend got started eons ago when some douche-mouth on ebay probably called his dirty, shit stained garbage "minty fresh" in reference to the polar opposite of what his mouth was perpetually like. Since this was on the internet- where people are like empty colostomy bags just waiting to be filled up with the worthless piss of others because they are so devoid of any talent or creativity themselves- it spread like crazy. And since this is the internet- where people are too fucking lazy to type complete words, let alone two of them- it got shortened to "minty", and many fatty jowls now jiggle with mirth as it is typed into infinity.

Fat fuck preparing to type "minty"