Baffling Rap Lyrics Exposed: Shake That

Oh man, this song is more fucking ACE than Maverick in Top Gun. I love it. How can you not grab your hogimus prime and squeeze like you're trying to make a diamond when you hear Nate Dogg recite the line that perfectly sums up a warrior's life:

"Some girls they act retarded, some girls about it bout it I'm lookin for a girl that will do whatever the fuck I say everyday she be givin' it up"

That's the key to spiritual nirvana-- nay, the ultimate secret handed down by hugely-hung Chinese monks in a mythical monastery where only the most gigantic of wieners receive karate chop training equal to the force of felling a redwood tree onto a kindergarten full of visogoth kids. That such a nugget of eternal wisdom is given as a beautiful gift to our ears-- more beautiful than Dr 90210 offering to re-solder your cyborg anal-hymen back in place for free and make it so you can pretend you never got gang-raped by that herd of wild clydesdales in Montana-- is a wonder that could bring a tear to the burliest of Viking eyeballs (which is dangerous since Viking tears are concentrated testosterone so dense that they instantly impregnate whatever they touch with a tumbleweed of the blackest steel-mesh pubes).

In fact the only thing baffling about these rap lyrics is that you don't hear warriors yelling them as they run into battle. How much more badass would Braveheart have been if Mel Gibson had screamed:

"I've been to the muthafuckin mountain top
Heard muthafuckers talk seen em' drop
If I ain't got a weapon I'ma pick up a rock
And when I bust your ass I'ma continue to rock"

Mountaintop expedition to verify presence of Nate Dogg is a resounding success.

...before smashing that one dude's head with a ball and chain. Nate Dogg wants to kill you so bad that he'll do it with a god damn rock if he has to. That's Viking ethics and philosophy rolled into one simple ideal that even a cowardly Roman could understand and admire right before he got his arms chopped off by a Viking with a rock. Not a sharp one either, Vikings actually grind down the edges on rocks before using them as weapons just to make cleaving fools in twain more challenging.

Rock considered "mildly stout" by Vikings-- acceptable as a weapon for fighting opponents of equal weight such as Woolly Mammoths or Nintendo fans.

Baffling Rap Lyrics Exposed, volume 2

"UH! Yo fuck ass niggas
let me tell y'all one thing right now I just don't give a fuck!
I'ma let niggas just RIP y'all motherfuckin' throwdown y'all
gay ass motherfuckers! Snoop ass hoe ass dog ass nigga!
Dre you ain't nothin' but my bitch I'ma make you my bitch!
You look like you could suck a nigga' dick hoe ass motherfucker!!"

Now this one isn't so much baffling as it is just fucking insane. This is the type of rant you hear after somebody gets their drunk ass thrown out of a bar. He was probably irate since most of his friends were dying not just from AIDS, but from a platoon of STDs laying down suppressing fire on niggas' immune systems. Also he really, really hates Snoop ass hoe ass Dog hoe ass nigga and Dr hoe ass Dre ass nigga.

This creative mastermind later went on to pen such classic lines as "I gotta fuck her in the butt snatch (Yeah!) I gotta fuck her in her muthafucking pussy (Yeah!)" and "Let Me See You Shake Them Titis Pop That Pussy Doo Doo Brown, Doo Doo Brown, Doo Doo Brown, Doo Doo Brown, Doo Doo Brown, Doo Doo Brown, Doo Doo Brown" if that gives you any clue as to his rapping ability.

Baffling Rap Lyrics Exposed, volume 1

"Niggas tried to holla, but couldn't holla back, now they gotta swallow, everything in the sack"

This classic piece of wordplay comes from DMX, an often featured guest at the post-pillaging fireside, a place where sagas of butt-snatch raping by the non-business end of battle axes flow freely. DMX is a true viking warrior in nearly all the important areas- awesome songs about stomping people and hitting them with his dick, 13 verified claymore kills, and multiple straight to DVD movies. With his good standing thoroughly cemented like a week-old jizz sock, I can dive straight into his baffling statement.


The first thing you need to know is that "holla" has a couple meanings. The first is pretty obvious, you "holla" at somebody when you're saying hi. But a holla can also be a sinister thing, meant to get a man's blood rising.

A combative holla works like this- somebody sees you walking, and they don't like you. They yell something at you like, "Hey ball licker, licked any balls lately?" This is the initial volley in the holla, and what DMX is referring to when he says "niggas tried to holla." The next move is the most critical one, and decides who is going to have a belly full of everything in the other guy's sack. You have to counter that holla with an even better one, effectively stopping your opponent in their tracks with a response like "Yeah, I licked your fat mom's transvestite balls last night, she said to tell you your breath smells like a dead man's prolapsed asshole."

Now, if your opponent can't hit you with an even better/grosser comeback, or "holla back", then you win this exchange. Be sure to use the metaphor of your ballsack being a Shell Station and your opponent's stomach a SUV as he's forced to "swallow everything in the sack." Few can successfully use the holla in this mischievous way, but for those who attempt it, remember DMX's wise words as a warning of the dire consequences of failure.