Dead Enemies of the Norns- David Carradine

The news is just in; David Carradine was found dead with a cord wrapped around his naked body. The initial reports are that he was doing this (in a hotel room in Thailand instead of his back yard)-


with a huge, bent black dong he'd had imported from South Africa (live negro still attached) when something went awry and he fell backwards onto a floor lamp which he mistook for a Yakuza henchman trying to steel his patent for the amazing miracle exercise device (also known as a piece of bent pipe he made in his garage). Chaos ensued, and the outcome was a dead David Carradine, a broken floor lamp, and one buff, confused negro with a 16 inch hog covered in David Carradine's cheetos-powder fingerprints.

Now I wouldn't say that I fucking hated David Carradine and am celibrating this day, I just wished he was dead and despised everything the faker stood for. This was probably the only man alive who's delusions about his race & mastery of the martial arts was equal to or surpassing Steven Seagal's. The difference is that Seagal is hilarious because nobody takes a fat, pony-tailed guido seriously as a anything other than a fat, pony-tailed guido, no matter how hard he tries to make us believe he's native american, where-as for some reason there are people who actually believed David Carradine knew something about martial arts. These people are fucking morons.

For example; David Carradine was asked in an interview "Does it (playing kung-fu masters) come as easily as it used to now that you're 71?" to which he replied (with a straight face)-

...it gets to the point where you're able to bend time, where you're working against somebody who is moving fast as lightning and you're basically in slow motion, but you're still just as fast as he is. The more you learn about this stuff, which also means the older you get, the more you're able to just simply use time better. Somehow or other, when I'm watching this punch come at me or this kick come at me, I have an eternity to think about blocking it or dodging it. I think that's part my kung fu training and part something to do with quantum physics, which I have been studying a lot. That's a major discipline that really everybody should be getting into, but particularly martial artists. There's the whole idea that the experiment is changed just simply by you doing it, by you looking at it. So, me being there actually changes the moment. I can make time longer than it is. I really can. It's part my training and part who I am, I guess.

He just said quantum-fucking-physics, like his kung-fu has become so powerful that it takes a room full of Nazi scientists just to understand one of his "time-bending" punches. This is a guy who even in his fucking PRIME couldn't kick faster or higher than an AIDS patient in a pool of jello doing the Van Damme style underwater training. He was fucking slow as shit 40 years ago, and he was roughly 10 magnitudes slower than shit when he died.

Nazi scientist wrestling with the quantum physics of David Carradine opening the fridge.

Even as a kid I knew he was a charlatan; watching his shit Kung-Fu show I remember asking my uncle why he kicked so slow and why his enemies just stood there for like 5 minutes and let him kick them. My uncle let me in on the little secret that David Carradine didn't know JACK SHIT about kung-fu, he was just an actor, and a terrible one at that. Back in the 80s everybody hated David Carradine because there were real martial arts superstars round-housing the box office every month, but apparently somewhere in the late 90s/early 2000s people forgot that people who really know Kung-Fu don't need the camera sped up to 12 frames a second just to make their kicks look like someone couldn't read Crime & Punishment before leisurely stepping out of the way.

This is a guy who also said in an interview that he has so much Chi (aka Chinese concept with some merit twisted into bullshit, retarded new-age faggotry by western dipshit charlatans such as David Carradine) that he could give a woman an orgasm merely by touching her, and that he had to be careful during sex or he might accidentally blast the woman through the wall with his Chi power. I'm not making this up, I swear to God he said this in a Playboy interview. He actually believed he could Dragon Ball Z a girl through a hotel wall, slow down time and space with Kung-Fu-Quantum-Physics, then give her an instantaneous orgasm in mid air with his pinky before the rubble hit the ground.

His death has made me think though, who's next up for dyin' on the list of celebrities I fucking hate now that David Carradine and George Carlin are out of the way? Who do I have to look forward to? Carlos Mencia? Every other mexican commedian all at once? Ryan Reynolds? Souljah Boy?

Enemies of the Norns- George Carlin

I fucking hate George Carlin. He's never said a funny thing in his entire life, period, in fact the only funny thing that fucker ever did was die and that was only mildly amusing. This is a guy who's entire career was based on standing up in front of people and talking common sense like he was your fucking mom or something, yet he was adored by millions of pseudo-intellectual cancer-clits around the world because he STUCK IT TO THE MAN. You want to know a good comedian? Jerry Seinfeld. You know how I know he's a good comedian? Because he tells fucking jokes. All George Carlin ever did was repackage communal common sense into a shitty routine that only people who think they're a factor of 1 googleplex smarter than they actually are liked to pretend was funny.

I saw George Carlin on David Letterman one night. He spent three minutes on a monologue that went basically like this, "...we're over-medicated, over-stimulated, pez-dispenciated, fighting wars with arab illuminated, blah blah blah..." Three fucking minutes. If a comedian's job is to razor-focus a warrior's anger and send him into a berserk status equal to 40 bears being simultaneously stung on the helmet by a bee then yeah, he was an awesome comedian. The crowd loved it too, like they'd never heard someone rhyme a bunch of gibberish into a barely coherent monologue before. My jaw unhinged and dropped to the carpet when the crowd cheered for the retard-- I was literally paralyzed with such dense, concentrated pure rage that a small black hole opened in front of me and if it wasn't for my jaw being exactly the same width as Casper Van Dien's (i.e. too wide to fit through anything) it might have been sucked into oblivion and left me looking like Raziel.

George Carlin fans are the worst too, they get so pissed off when you don't see the "genius" in a guy who stood on stage and talked about how ridiculous religion, super-conservatives and republicans are. That's like giving someone credit for pointing out that people who let horses butt fuck them are a little weird. Seriously, one Sinbad monologue contains more unique insights than George Carlin's entire career.

Way funnier than George Carlin

Enemies of the Norns: Shit-eaters at the gym

Normally I wouldn't bother posting anything about gyms or working out on the internet because 132% of internet faggots (fat gunts and gross man-tits make up the additional 32%) are so disgustingly obese or scrawny the only time they've seen a gym is watching that old clip of Arnold talking about how pumping iron is like boning a hot chick. But then I remembered that people who read this site are the only exception to that rule. Readers of my blog are Vikings-- men so fucking buff that their internal organs have six-packs and their veins have a load capacity equal to 4 garden hoses duct-taped together; men so strong they have to arm wrestle tug boats for a challenge.

So, readers, flex open your meaty eyelids and enjoy my list of the types of guys at the gym that every true warrior hates.

My Arms Are So Buff My Sleeves Exploded Guy
Why does this jigga gotta ruin a perfectly good shirt? The only acceptable reason to be wearing a sleeveless shirt is if you actually flexed the sleeves off, yet you can always see the scissor marks on this fucktard's shirt where the sleeves used to be. There seems to be a reverse correlation between how buff a guy's arms are and how much shirt he wears; if the sleeves are ripped off then there's a 90% chance he's got fat arms. Fat is lard, and lard does not require a shirt sleeve to be detonated to make room. Buy a bigger fucking shirt if your fat-lard arm doesn't fit in the sleeve. If a guy's shirt not only has the sleeves cut off but is slit from the armpit all the way down to the bottom so that he might as well be wearing a poncho then there's a 100% chance the guy is a scrawny fuckface. Either way, no buffness has ever been observed in the immediate vicinity of a sleeveless shirt unless you count the homo's buff boyfriend slamming his asshole with a little sleeveless condom on his dong.

Annoying-Face Super-Correct Posture Guy
This is the guy who walks like a fucking broom was crammed up his rectum at some point in his life and he just never bothered to take it out. His super-correct posture is also ALWAYS accompanied by a stupid fucking look on his face. You can never pinpoint exactly what it is about his face that pisses you off so much-- it's a nebulous quality that defies all attempts to label it as asshole-face, shit-eater face, etc. Instead it possesses qualities of every fucking annoying face you've ever seen. Something about a guy who decides he's going to walk around like a fucking English nanny just brings out a look that makes any true warrior's ballsack berserk all over his wiener in rage.

Misshapen Gross Body Guy
This is the guy that's pretty buff but vile to look at. Maybe his legs are too short. Maybe his belly is way too fat and he has gorilla arms. Or maybe he's just plain fucking gross and even a Sherlock Holmes who can bench 550lbs couldn't figure out exactly why. There's one guy at my gym who looks like a stumpy mexican who swallowed a keg of PBR, yet he insists on wearing tight tank-tops and shorts as if his malformed body wasn't a wretched sight and instead he should show off the results of his shallow gene-pool. Hot-tip; if you look like you belong in a video game fighting Super Mario then you shouldn't be wearing tiny tank-tops.

Regular Clothes Guy
People who wear regular clothes to the gym are either completely retarded, so new to working out they weren't aware that "workout clothes" isn't just a superfluous name for wacky pants that serve no purpose, or stumbled in there by accident and figured they should act like a cat when it falls off something and pretend they meant to. I can't even begin to fathom the guy who thinks it's a good idea to wear his bugle boys to the gym when workout pants literally cost $5 at any sporting goods store. There's few things more appalling than watching some dude in tight wranglers try to lift weights-- I say try because these tard's bodies usually have the muscle mass of Stephen Hawking's left leg.

Doing Weird Shit That Doesn't Work Guy
Probably my personal most hated gym guy because he's always hogging up the best machines doing stupid shit anybody with even the most remedial knowledge of physiology could tell you is a waste of time. If you've seen that youtube video of that dufus doing leg exercises on a rowing machine then you know what I'm talking about-- this retard is why all the machines have warning labels on them. His dual grasps of the fundamentals of body building and the fundamentals of physics are equally appalling, yet if asked why he's doing something that looks like it should be called seizure-robics he always has some bullshit pseudo-technical answer. He's also the guy who never puts on a shred of muscle despite being at the gym all the time. Some may admire his dedication to discovering the mythical workout routine that enables him to explode to Brock Lesner levels of buffness overnight, but real Vikings agree if you're not going to workout right then don't bother going to the gym at all.

Enemies of the Norns- Bears

Bear sentry guarding supply of honey and Bear ass-2-snout porn.

Bears- the word evokes rage in the heart of any Viking, and not just because I capitalize it even though it's not a proper noun (Vikings are even more hard-assed about grammar than Nazis)- Vikings and Bears are mortal enemies. The first Bear and Viking interspecies war began over salmon fishing rights in the plains of Neblheim; the Bears claimed rights because they had huge furry nuts, and the Vikings claimed rights because they had huge furry nuts. Vikings soon discovered that wearing Bear ballsack skins over their own ballsacks sent them into an uncontrollable rage, and as everyone knows, that's where the term "berserker" came from.

Not this kind of bear; Vikings love bear mechanics.

Unlike most enemies of the Norns (visigoths, gypsies, Romans, Persians, mexicans, etc), Bears are honorable and valorous in combat. They have been known to take out legions of rioting tiny brown people armed with screw drivers and sharpened tooth brushes (Bears hate the smell of lawn clippings), destroy entire gypsy clans and their used car lots, and truck-jack semis full of Clover honey exactly like in The Fast and The Furious. Alas, the hatred runs deep, and though Bears and Vikings share so much in common, Thor and the Great Bear Spirit demand vengeance for old grudges.

Bears are also well-known for their past service in the American military dropping napalm on charlie during 'Nam. Bears, as you know, are immune to fire, and can operate simple machinery like trucks and some types of helicopter (with proper training), making them extremely valuable to the Pentagon. Fortunately Vietnam is about as poor and unworthy of pillaging as countries come (close second to Somalia) so the Vikings never encountered a Bear piloting a helicopter over napalm-incinerated acres of jungle with a Bear platoon marching behind to mop up what was left.

Visigoths & Ostrogoths

When the great all-father Odin deigned to create his beloved Norns, he forgot entirely to create enemies for them. The legend says that halfway through the process Odin got side-tracked because he noticed his nipples were super long compared to Thor's, and he began to suspect that Thor had been secretly tying cinder blocks to his nipples during the wee hours of the night while he was passed out from HGH overdoses. Whatever the real reason, the vikings needed enemies to slaughter to prove to Freya how much like Megatron and unlike Rodimus Prime they were. So what did the Vikings do? They proceeded to kick everybody else's ass in the entire world and make their own enemies. Especially the Chinese, Vikings hated the Chinese so much and gave them so many naval wedgies that China burned all records of their glorious fleet's 7 voyages and out of shame secluded themselves from the West for the next 500 years.

Visigoth foot soldier unaware that real bats aren't made of rubber, seconds before his "Repulse Jocks" spell fails and he's critically maimed by a 5 year old crippled girl fresh from tee-ball practice.

Soon after, the Vikings discovered their preferred enemy- the Visogoth. These abhorrently gross-smelling, unsightly creatures come in two templates; disgustingly fat and equally disgustingly scrawny. Both versions are always covered with worthless trinkets, making them look like someone spray painted a Christmas tree black then decorated it with jewelery they found in the pay-by-the-pound bin at Goodwill. They are obviously no threat physically, but their mastery of sorcery can provide a challenge to any warrior seeking to serve his 150 hours of community service by exterminating their wretched clans.

The main tactic of a Visigoth priest is to cast a "clone shit eater" spell so he/she looks and smells exactly like every other dipshit Visigoth in the world, then utter something about "the norms" or "conformists" which is a secret spell that will make a lesser Viking's head explode with rage. Many a slow-witted Viking has perished trying to wrap his head around a Visigoth's choas-logic spell, only the stoutest of the hearty know that these fucktards are so stupid you could force feed LSD to a toddler and it would have a better grasp of reality.

The Ostrogoths are a much rarer sight, and comprise the upper ruling elite. They are more formidable not because of any increase in mental faculties, but because they have normal non-mutant bodies and can theoretically pass as a regular citizen of Rome or Persia.

There is a terrifying story told round the camp fire of a Viking in the midst of good thorough raping; suddenly his nostrils fill with the stench of shit and incense, and his dong becomes encrusted with dragon crystals, dirt, and cheap plastic bracelets. He tries to grab his battle axe, but it's stuck in the hands of a 1/3 scale model of The Crow... it's too late for him, he screams as he's swallowed in a whirlwind of dandruff and psoriasis flakes, disappearing into a a poop smelling trench coat covered in aluminum spikes that were obviously hot-glued on. He was a victim of a foul-smelling Ostrogoth's treacherous sorcery!

Know thy enemy, fellow warriors!