Why do I get pissed at black guys in romantic comedies?

And why am I watching a fucking romantic comedy in the first place? Because I want to get my Viking hog lodged in a lass's throat, and since I'm not going to pillage and burn my own house to the ground rape is out of the question (can't rape without pillaging) , so I have to do it the old fashioned way; pretend to like a shit, brainless, formulaic romantic comedy written by Holliwood's all powerful ROM-COM computer (a TI-86 with dot-matrix printer) that pumps them out weekly given a few simple variables. I prefer the ones where in the third act something contrived happens to make the girl not want to see the guy ever again, then we get awesome scenes of both characters going about their lives, then in the final act the guy does something completely preposterous to win the girl back, i.e. every fucking romantic comedy ever "written."

Anyway, on to the second question. If you've ever been forced to sit through a black romantic comedy you'll notice that no matter who the lead is he always spends 90% of the time he's not talking and 70% of the time he is talking licking his fucking lips and sucking on the bottom one. This is universal, no exceptions other than the %'s can be higher depending on how big the lips are. Now I understand a black dude has big lips and has to keep them moist, but in real life you don't fucking see every black guy walking around with his lips eternally glistening. I've talked to a few black guys in my time and not one of them spent the entire converstation sucking his bottom lip, and before you think something retarded like "they do it to be sexy" one of the black guys was gay as shit and definitely attracted to my granite-like chin so if there was anytime to be licking your lips in a sexy manor it was then.

I got sick of looking for pictures of black guys in movies licking their lips to illustrate my point after nearly overdosing on all the gay porn a google search for "sexy black guys" nets so you'll have to be satisfied with this half-retarded mongoloid who is either trying to kill himself by swallowing his tongue or chewing 13 pieces of Hubba Bubba at once.

Hard Thuggin VS Soft Thuggin

Apparently there is some confusion in the distinction between hard thuggin' and soft thuggin'. Hard thuggin' is anything that involves both someone getting hurt & federal laws being broken (not state laws, those are for pussies). Even if the thuggin' is just knocking someone down and then ripping a stamp in twain it qualifies as hard thuggin' since you're a) hurting someone and b) breaking a federal law. Someone who hard thugs so much that they are in a perpetual state of thuggin' with a hardness level equal to or exceeding that of a diamond-- to the point that they defy the laws of thermodynamics by producing a self-sustaining source of thuggergy-- is considered a Hard Thugger. Hard Thuggers also sandpaper the pubes off their inner thighs and over-tan their ballsacks so that they are constantly enraged by the feel of worn leather against soft, womanly skin.

Soft thuggin' is mainly just standing around doing your thang and looking like you might be capable of breaking federal laws and causing bodily damage if the notion hit your cervix just right. Soft thuggin' is the warrior equivalent of when one of those shit-cocks who spout stupid shit at parties about government conspiracies gets a turd of reality slapped across his mouth by somebody who knows what the fuck they're talking about. Like this example (witnessed by myself)-

Person privy to high-level classified secrets revealed only to the top big-wigs in the nation and those who know how to google- "You know of course the whole switchover from digital to analog is so that the goverment can get boxes in your house to monitor you."

Person who reads news that doesn't come from sites run by mental retards- "Actually it's because it will free up a large part of the broadcast spectrum so the government can auction it off and also use part of it for emergency communications."

Other person "ZOIKS!!"

True-blooded American heroes never leave their thuggin' out of the freezer overnight and let it get soft just like they don't add any girl over 150lbs to their tally unless at least 40 of those lbs are boobs with less than a 1:3 ratio of nipple-to-tit (if the nipples look like they should be covered in maple syrup and eaten by lumberjacks then they don't count) and maybe a weiner.

Puffy nipples = instant erectile-dysfunctioning of any hardness your thuggin' may possess.

Viking Burning Questions- An Issue of Mercy

A fellow warrior, bear-destroyer, and inventor of the battering ram made entirely out of real rams has put forth the following question; when, if ever, is it acceptable for a Viking to show mercy? Let us go to the annals of Viking lore and peruse the leaflet called "Viking Mercy Through the Ages." It's only three pages long and two of the pages are covered with drawings of Thor in scrubs volunteering at the Visigoth planned parenthood clinic mercifully giving battle-axe abortions for free. But we're interested in the concrete warrior examples of mercy, of which there is exactly one.

The circumstance arose around 1400 BC when Odin was but a young God. The story goes that supposedly he was out in the woods kicking trees in half like in KickBoxer or Bloodsport, whichever one Van Damme was kicking that tree until his shins were bloody, and the mightiest of all Bear warriors, Bearicules, charged him from behind in a shameful display of cowardice. Well Odin "rose mightily to the challenge, becoming immediately and powerfully berserk" (his words), and vanquished Bearicules. He provided this picture as proof-


The sad truth is that Bearicules had failed to protect his Shogun and had committed honorable suicided by falling on his sword earlier that day. Odin had simply stumbled across the scene while hiding and crying about Ragnarok and snapped a picture, then used Loki's pirated copy of Photoshop to edit it to his advantage. Loki immediately sensed something was up and FTP'd into Odin's laptop and found that it's a composite of these two photos-

Bearicules after his honorable suicide.

Odin's senior yearbook photo, taken while Thor was off fighting in the Viking Vietnam. Notice the draft-dodger smirk on his pasty, beardless face.

What does this have to do with mercy? Vikings don't show mercy; not even to Odin, and not even in the pettiest of things like exposing a photoshopped victory.

Viking Burning Questions- Cinching & Gaping

I just got a very disturbing email from a fellow Viking asking me just how loose your asshole can be before it’s considered “too” loose. This is such an important subject that even though I was at the cottage of a buxom lass with huge, puffy pancake nipples (my favorite) checking my email after pillaging her privates and medicine cabinet, this emergency girded my loins up right proper and sent me to the anvil to forge a reply before this guy’s anus got any more stretched out. I have applied NASA’s extensive research into O-rings to my scale making it the most scientific in the entire world and even better than God’s or any other stupid asshole’s.

I grade on a 13 point scale- one for every inch of Thor’s shaft (does not include his 4 inch helmet). It looks something like this-

1. Not even sub-atomic particles can pass
2. Acceptable tightness
3. Needs work
4 - 12. Unacceptable
13. Complete and total prolapse

(This scale can also be applied to vaginas but you have to reverse it because only the most gaped of vaginas can comfortably accommodate the girth of a Viking hog, anything less than a gape-factor of 13 will result in post-natal depression syndrome for the female)

My anus is a 1.29999 for example- my shits look like I left a 30 foot brown LAN cable in the toilet when I’m done. It is of the utmost importance that a Viking keeps his elasticity so high that any boner attempting to penetrate would be instantly shorn in twain. It is imperative that nothing, I mean NOTHING, ascends a Viking’s rectum even a millimeter. If a turd goes halfway out then you accidentally suck it back in a scoche or a tittle, you just got assfucked. If your boxers breach the outer rim while you scratch an itchy asshole, your butt-hymen just got rocked. If you put your own finger up your butthole to see if you can feel the tip of a fat dook you’re ok, just don’t do it more than once a year and make sure you do it in the shower.

Although it is extremely unlikely that anyone would even have access to a Viking’s unguarded asshole, Odin is quite fond of a tight rectus-majoris and will take any opportunity to date-rape a Viking warrior. Be careful at Odin’s table unless Thor is there to regulate or you WILL end up buggered in the bum (Odin’s dong is super tiny though so it won’t affect your elasticity, just your honor and warrior-pride. Also your t-cell count since Odin is riddled with mutant AIDS). As they say- an ounce of prevention, or anus-keggles, is worth a pound of re-cinching at the cosmetic surgeon. If your anus is too far gone (4-12) and you must have reconstructive surgery be sure to specify you don’t want the usual VCR belt installed for elasticity (they always broke on VCRs, this Viking had to ghetto rig many a VCR with rubber bands over the years after a belt broke halfway through Braveheart or Porky’s), you want the more expensive little girl’s scrunchy option (pink if available). They last forever, I’ve found those things on the road and I swear they look like they’re 100 years old but always still super elastic.

The key to maintaining an anus in the 1-2 range is to eat tons of fiber and oil your rectum up with ram’s blood each morning to make your morning dook smooth as butter. You don’t want some baseball-sized donkey turd rending your asshole asunder just because you forgot to eat your whole grains the day before. Nutrition is paramount. Keep those stools soft and hold a playdough template between your ass cheeks to keep it fun- a 2-foot heart-shaped log will brighten any Viking’s day.