Hard Thuggin VS Soft Thuggin

Apparently there is some confusion in the distinction between hard thuggin' and soft thuggin'. Hard thuggin' is anything that involves both someone getting hurt & federal laws being broken (not state laws, those are for pussies). Even if the thuggin' is just knocking someone down and then ripping a stamp in twain it qualifies as hard thuggin' since you're a) hurting someone and b) breaking a federal law. Someone who hard thugs so much that they are in a perpetual state of thuggin' with a hardness level equal to or exceeding that of a diamond-- to the point that they defy the laws of thermodynamics by producing a self-sustaining source of thuggergy-- is considered a Hard Thugger. Hard Thuggers also sandpaper the pubes off their inner thighs and over-tan their ballsacks so that they are constantly enraged by the feel of worn leather against soft, womanly skin.

Soft thuggin' is mainly just standing around doing your thang and looking like you might be capable of breaking federal laws and causing bodily damage if the notion hit your cervix just right. Soft thuggin' is the warrior equivalent of when one of those shit-cocks who spout stupid shit at parties about government conspiracies gets a turd of reality slapped across his mouth by somebody who knows what the fuck they're talking about. Like this example (witnessed by myself)-

Person privy to high-level classified secrets revealed only to the top big-wigs in the nation and those who know how to google- "You know of course the whole switchover from digital to analog is so that the goverment can get boxes in your house to monitor you."

Person who reads news that doesn't come from sites run by mental retards- "Actually it's because it will free up a large part of the broadcast spectrum so the government can auction it off and also use part of it for emergency communications."

Other person "ZOIKS!!"

True-blooded American heroes never leave their thuggin' out of the freezer overnight and let it get soft just like they don't add any girl over 150lbs to their tally unless at least 40 of those lbs are boobs with less than a 1:3 ratio of nipple-to-tit (if the nipples look like they should be covered in maple syrup and eaten by lumberjacks then they don't count) and maybe a weiner.

Puffy nipples = instant erectile-dysfunctioning of any hardness your thuggin' may possess.

Viking Burning Questions- An Issue of Mercy

A fellow warrior, bear-destroyer, and inventor of the battering ram made entirely out of real rams has put forth the following question; when, if ever, is it acceptable for a Viking to show mercy? Let us go to the annals of Viking lore and peruse the leaflet called "Viking Mercy Through the Ages." It's only three pages long and two of the pages are covered with drawings of Thor in scrubs volunteering at the Visigoth planned parenthood clinic mercifully giving battle-axe abortions for free. But we're interested in the concrete warrior examples of mercy, of which there is exactly one.

The circumstance arose around 1400 BC when Odin was but a young God. The story goes that supposedly he was out in the woods kicking trees in half like in KickBoxer or Bloodsport, whichever one Van Damme was kicking that tree until his shins were bloody, and the mightiest of all Bear warriors, Bearicules, charged him from behind in a shameful display of cowardice. Well Odin "rose mightily to the challenge, becoming immediately and powerfully berserk" (his words), and vanquished Bearicules. He provided this picture as proof-


The sad truth is that Bearicules had failed to protect his Shogun and had committed honorable suicided by falling on his sword earlier that day. Odin had simply stumbled across the scene while hiding and crying about Ragnarok and snapped a picture, then used Loki's pirated copy of Photoshop to edit it to his advantage. Loki immediately sensed something was up and FTP'd into Odin's laptop and found that it's a composite of these two photos-

Bearicules after his honorable suicide.

Odin's senior yearbook photo, taken while Thor was off fighting in the Viking Vietnam. Notice the draft-dodger smirk on his pasty, beardless face.

What does this have to do with mercy? Vikings don't show mercy; not even to Odin, and not even in the pettiest of things like exposing a photoshopped victory.

Viking Burning Questions- Cinching & Gaping

I just got a very disturbing email from a fellow Viking asking me just how loose your asshole can be before it’s considered “too” loose. This is such an important subject that even though I was at the cottage of a buxom lass with huge, puffy pancake nipples (my favorite) checking my email after pillaging her privates and medicine cabinet, this emergency girded my loins up right proper and sent me to the anvil to forge a reply before this guy’s anus got any more stretched out. I have applied NASA’s extensive research into O-rings to my scale making it the most scientific in the entire world and even better than God’s or any other stupid asshole’s.

I grade on a 13 point scale- one for every inch of Thor’s shaft (does not include his 4 inch helmet). It looks something like this-

1. Not even sub-atomic particles can pass
2. Acceptable tightness
3. Needs work
4 - 12. Unacceptable
13. Complete and total prolapse

(This scale can also be applied to vaginas but you have to reverse it because only the most gaped of vaginas can comfortably accommodate the girth of a Viking hog, anything less than a gape-factor of 13 will result in post-natal depression syndrome for the female)

My anus is a 1.29999 for example- my shits look like I left a 30 foot brown LAN cable in the toilet when I’m done. It is of the utmost importance that a Viking keeps his elasticity so high that any boner attempting to penetrate would be instantly shorn in twain. It is imperative that nothing, I mean NOTHING, ascends a Viking’s rectum even a millimeter. If a turd goes halfway out then you accidentally suck it back in a scoche or a tittle, you just got assfucked. If your boxers breach the outer rim while you scratch an itchy asshole, your butt-hymen just got rocked. If you put your own finger up your butthole to see if you can feel the tip of a fat dook you’re ok, just don’t do it more than once a year and make sure you do it in the shower.

Although it is extremely unlikely that anyone would even have access to a Viking’s unguarded asshole, Odin is quite fond of a tight rectus-majoris and will take any opportunity to date-rape a Viking warrior. Be careful at Odin’s table unless Thor is there to regulate or you WILL end up buggered in the bum (Odin’s dong is super tiny though so it won’t affect your elasticity, just your honor and warrior-pride. Also your t-cell count since Odin is riddled with mutant AIDS). As they say- an ounce of prevention, or anus-keggles, is worth a pound of re-cinching at the cosmetic surgeon. If your anus is too far gone (4-12) and you must have reconstructive surgery be sure to specify you don’t want the usual VCR belt installed for elasticity (they always broke on VCRs, this Viking had to ghetto rig many a VCR with rubber bands over the years after a belt broke halfway through Braveheart or Porky’s), you want the more expensive little girl’s scrunchy option (pink if available). They last forever, I’ve found those things on the road and I swear they look like they’re 100 years old but always still super elastic.

The key to maintaining an anus in the 1-2 range is to eat tons of fiber and oil your rectum up with ram’s blood each morning to make your morning dook smooth as butter. You don’t want some baseball-sized donkey turd rending your asshole asunder just because you forgot to eat your whole grains the day before. Nutrition is paramount. Keep those stools soft and hold a playdough template between your ass cheeks to keep it fun- a 2-foot heart-shaped log will brighten any Viking’s day.

Baffling Rap Lyrics Exposed: Shake That

Oh man, this song is more fucking ACE than Maverick in Top Gun. I love it. How can you not grab your hogimus prime and squeeze like you're trying to make a diamond when you hear Nate Dogg recite the line that perfectly sums up a warrior's life:

"Some girls they act retarded, some girls about it bout it I'm lookin for a girl that will do whatever the fuck I say everyday she be givin' it up"

That's the key to spiritual nirvana-- nay, the ultimate secret handed down by hugely-hung Chinese monks in a mythical monastery where only the most gigantic of wieners receive karate chop training equal to the force of felling a redwood tree onto a kindergarten full of visogoth kids. That such a nugget of eternal wisdom is given as a beautiful gift to our ears-- more beautiful than Dr 90210 offering to re-solder your cyborg anal-hymen back in place for free and make it so you can pretend you never got gang-raped by that herd of wild clydesdales in Montana-- is a wonder that could bring a tear to the burliest of Viking eyeballs (which is dangerous since Viking tears are concentrated testosterone so dense that they instantly impregnate whatever they touch with a tumbleweed of the blackest steel-mesh pubes).

In fact the only thing baffling about these rap lyrics is that you don't hear warriors yelling them as they run into battle. How much more badass would Braveheart have been if Mel Gibson had screamed:

"I've been to the muthafuckin mountain top
Heard muthafuckers talk seen em' drop
If I ain't got a weapon I'ma pick up a rock
And when I bust your ass I'ma continue to rock"

Mountaintop expedition to verify presence of Nate Dogg is a resounding success.

...before smashing that one dude's head with a ball and chain. Nate Dogg wants to kill you so bad that he'll do it with a god damn rock if he has to. That's Viking ethics and philosophy rolled into one simple ideal that even a cowardly Roman could understand and admire right before he got his arms chopped off by a Viking with a rock. Not a sharp one either, Vikings actually grind down the edges on rocks before using them as weapons just to make cleaving fools in twain more challenging.

Rock considered "mildly stout" by Vikings-- acceptable as a weapon for fighting opponents of equal weight such as Woolly Mammoths or Nintendo fans.

What is wrong with you fuckers?

Here's how people are finding my site. This is either very disturbing or going completely according to plan, I can't decide which. Most people would be slightly disturbed that their site was #1 for the search "blown anus"or #7 for "pic of a weight lifters blown rectum", but I do take pride in being #3 for "superhuman cocks banging fat pussies" since that's like 40% of what this site is all about. That and pre-natal horse porn.

Enemies of the Norns- George Carlin

I fucking hate George Carlin. He's never said a funny thing in his entire life, period, in fact the only funny thing that fucker ever did was die and that was only mildly amusing. This is a guy who's entire career was based on standing up in front of people and talking common sense like he was your fucking mom or something, yet he was adored by millions of pseudo-intellectual cancer-clits around the world because he STUCK IT TO THE MAN. You want to know a good comedian? Jerry Seinfeld. You know how I know he's a good comedian? Because he tells fucking jokes. All George Carlin ever did was repackage communal common sense into a shitty routine that only people who think they're a factor of 1 googleplex smarter than they actually are liked to pretend was funny.

I saw George Carlin on David Letterman one night. He spent three minutes on a monologue that went basically like this, "...we're over-medicated, over-stimulated, pez-dispenciated, fighting wars with arab illuminated, blah blah blah..." Three fucking minutes. If a comedian's job is to razor-focus a warrior's anger and send him into a berserk status equal to 40 bears being simultaneously stung on the helmet by a bee then yeah, he was an awesome comedian. The crowd loved it too, like they'd never heard someone rhyme a bunch of gibberish into a barely coherent monologue before. My jaw unhinged and dropped to the carpet when the crowd cheered for the retard-- I was literally paralyzed with such dense, concentrated pure rage that a small black hole opened in front of me and if it wasn't for my jaw being exactly the same width as Casper Van Dien's (i.e. too wide to fit through anything) it might have been sucked into oblivion and left me looking like Raziel.

George Carlin fans are the worst too, they get so pissed off when you don't see the "genius" in a guy who stood on stage and talked about how ridiculous religion, super-conservatives and republicans are. That's like giving someone credit for pointing out that people who let horses butt fuck them are a little weird. Seriously, one Sinbad monologue contains more unique insights than George Carlin's entire career.

Way funnier than George Carlin

Enemies of the Norns: Shit-eaters at the gym

Normally I wouldn't bother posting anything about gyms or working out on the internet because 132% of internet faggots (fat gunts and gross man-tits make up the additional 32%) are so disgustingly obese or scrawny the only time they've seen a gym is watching that old clip of Arnold talking about how pumping iron is like boning a hot chick. But then I remembered that people who read this site are the only exception to that rule. Readers of my blog are Vikings-- men so fucking buff that their internal organs have six-packs and their veins have a load capacity equal to 4 garden hoses duct-taped together; men so strong they have to arm wrestle tug boats for a challenge.

So, readers, flex open your meaty eyelids and enjoy my list of the types of guys at the gym that every true warrior hates.

My Arms Are So Buff My Sleeves Exploded Guy
Why does this jigga gotta ruin a perfectly good shirt? The only acceptable reason to be wearing a sleeveless shirt is if you actually flexed the sleeves off, yet you can always see the scissor marks on this fucktard's shirt where the sleeves used to be. There seems to be a reverse correlation between how buff a guy's arms are and how much shirt he wears; if the sleeves are ripped off then there's a 90% chance he's got fat arms. Fat is lard, and lard does not require a shirt sleeve to be detonated to make room. Buy a bigger fucking shirt if your fat-lard arm doesn't fit in the sleeve. If a guy's shirt not only has the sleeves cut off but is slit from the armpit all the way down to the bottom so that he might as well be wearing a poncho then there's a 100% chance the guy is a scrawny fuckface. Either way, no buffness has ever been observed in the immediate vicinity of a sleeveless shirt unless you count the homo's buff boyfriend slamming his asshole with a little sleeveless condom on his dong.

Annoying-Face Super-Correct Posture Guy
This is the guy who walks like a fucking broom was crammed up his rectum at some point in his life and he just never bothered to take it out. His super-correct posture is also ALWAYS accompanied by a stupid fucking look on his face. You can never pinpoint exactly what it is about his face that pisses you off so much-- it's a nebulous quality that defies all attempts to label it as asshole-face, shit-eater face, etc. Instead it possesses qualities of every fucking annoying face you've ever seen. Something about a guy who decides he's going to walk around like a fucking English nanny just brings out a look that makes any true warrior's ballsack berserk all over his wiener in rage.

Misshapen Gross Body Guy
This is the guy that's pretty buff but vile to look at. Maybe his legs are too short. Maybe his belly is way too fat and he has gorilla arms. Or maybe he's just plain fucking gross and even a Sherlock Holmes who can bench 550lbs couldn't figure out exactly why. There's one guy at my gym who looks like a stumpy mexican who swallowed a keg of PBR, yet he insists on wearing tight tank-tops and shorts as if his malformed body wasn't a wretched sight and instead he should show off the results of his shallow gene-pool. Hot-tip; if you look like you belong in a video game fighting Super Mario then you shouldn't be wearing tiny tank-tops.

Regular Clothes Guy
People who wear regular clothes to the gym are either completely retarded, so new to working out they weren't aware that "workout clothes" isn't just a superfluous name for wacky pants that serve no purpose, or stumbled in there by accident and figured they should act like a cat when it falls off something and pretend they meant to. I can't even begin to fathom the guy who thinks it's a good idea to wear his bugle boys to the gym when workout pants literally cost $5 at any sporting goods store. There's few things more appalling than watching some dude in tight wranglers try to lift weights-- I say try because these tard's bodies usually have the muscle mass of Stephen Hawking's left leg.

Doing Weird Shit That Doesn't Work Guy
Probably my personal most hated gym guy because he's always hogging up the best machines doing stupid shit anybody with even the most remedial knowledge of physiology could tell you is a waste of time. If you've seen that youtube video of that dufus doing leg exercises on a rowing machine then you know what I'm talking about-- this retard is why all the machines have warning labels on them. His dual grasps of the fundamentals of body building and the fundamentals of physics are equally appalling, yet if asked why he's doing something that looks like it should be called seizure-robics he always has some bullshit pseudo-technical answer. He's also the guy who never puts on a shred of muscle despite being at the gym all the time. Some may admire his dedication to discovering the mythical workout routine that enables him to explode to Brock Lesner levels of buffness overnight, but real Vikings agree if you're not going to workout right then don't bother going to the gym at all.