Friday, November 20, 2009

Why I Don't Play Games Online.

Poofy-hair and Young Charlie Sheen showing how real warriors start every game battle.

I fucking hate playing games online. It's pointless, retarded, and while I won't claim that my time is in any way well-spent (except for the constant getting blasted in the stomach with cannon balls and standing under waterfalls chopping trees in half training), I can literally think of 1001 things that are a better use of it than playing some shit first person shooter against a bunch of abnormal, socially-inept dipshits halfway across the country. It's not fun-- if I want fun I'll play a good single player campaign where there are actual engineered challenges and progression instead of a series of cluster-fuck encounters on square maps where you try to make a number go up a few times so you can momentarily see your name above some other names on a single screen before doing it all over again.

There is no payoff in winning against anonymous enemies. There is no satisfaction in that kind of empty victory.

"How can that be, oh warrior?" you might be saying to yourself, "I feel a sense of victory every time I see my kill count go up!" Yes, but you're battling a bunch of fucking mentally-retarded children, fatsos, and worst of all, scrawny internet tough guys who's only courage in life comes from complete anonymity. Those are your opponents, over whom you feel superior when you win. Well fucking GODDAMMIT, I would HOPE you fucking feel superior to those shit-eating slack-jaws. I can't even fathom someone who finds it fun to play games against complete strangers who can call you "GAY NIGGER," "HOMO NIGGER," and whatever other stupid combinations of "NIGGER" and "HOMOSEXUAL" they stole from South Park with complete impunity. It's just moronic.

A true warrior only takes pride in victories that are tangible. Sure the government can press a button and nuke half the world from the safety of a bunker, but they know there's no satisfaction in crushing their enemies that way. When you can thoroughly kick your friend's ass at Street Fighter IV and then see the anguish on his face as he struggles to hold back tears of frustration, THAT is a real victory. A warrior craves the palpable sorrow that gets stuck in his nostrils and fills his belly. He needs to feel the flow of blood on his hands as he socks a mother fucker in the mouth for calling him a "GAYFAG" to his face. That is what real victories are about. You're not going to drive any enemies before you and hear the lamentations of their women (metaphorically speaking of course, we all know the "girlfriends" of these guys have to stay away from dairy farms for fear of mistaken identities with hilarious results) if you can't fucking see the cowardly fucks.

So in summary, online gaming is for scrawny little boys and lard-tittied, puffy-nippled retards who don't have the balls to face real men in split-screen combat. I concede that if you actually know the people you're playing online against in real life and can mule-kick them in the throat for getting uppity with you, that's acceptable as long as you remember to do it before they forget what they did wrong (like training a dog).

2 comments:

v said...

i miss reading viking warlord.

chipperkwah said...

"...the palpable sorrow that gets stuck in his nostrils and fills his belly." I will taste the fear of mine enemies on this very day!