The Puns... The Puns!

Holy fucking SHIT I am sick of reading a headline about a game or movie release that has a pun in it. Today I had to use the counter technique from Fist of the Northstar on my brain to keep it from exploding after I read these pieces of god-awful, shit writing-

"Just Cause 2 grapples onto March 23 release date"

God-DAMMIT. I'd rather get a sandpaper hand-job with 40 grit than read a fucking pun in a headline.

"Red Dead Redemption saddles up in April 2010"

That one got my dander up so much that the UFC said they won't come to Portland for at least 6 months due to "alarmingly high dander levels that may cause fear and intimidation in our fighters."

These retards seem to be under the impression that people want some old-man, 1860s humor with their release dates. This spill-over phenomenon from section F newspaper headline style writing isn't limited to utter-shit sites like Joystiq that are written by community college dropout volunteers; professional sites with real employees are just as guilty, if not more-so since they (in theory at least) should be hiring people who actually have some sort of writing knowledge. The truest sign of people with absolutely no talent is not that they emulate (i.e. steal) style from more respected forms of media, but that they fucking steal the WORST parts of that style (shitty pun headlines) while their colossal ineptitude prevents them from stealing any of the good parts (like competent writing and actual research beyond reading it on another website).

I'm struggling to imagine the kind of decision making that says "hey, instead of just having a machine spit out some release date headlines let's go ahead and hire a human to make up faggotarded puns so that all those people out there who are looking for a little personality in their release date headlines will choose our site!" As if there's some huge demographic of slack-jaws who, darnit, just can't get enough of them release dates and are actively searching for the site that can give each and every release date headline the extra bite that only a pun can provide. For fuck's sake, even downies get pissed off at puns.

Downie being mentally abused by Gamespot.com

The worst part is that you know whoever writes these things is sitting there with a smug smile on their face as if they just did something really clever. PUNS AREN'T FUCKING CLEVER. They are the crutch of retards who can't write, period. You want some proof? Here's a bunch of stupid headlines I just made up in literally 6 seconds-

"Final Fantasy XIII is finally released 13-78-93"
"Dragon Age Origins isn't taking ages draggin' to retail, releases 10-23-89"
"Heavenly Sword gets heavenly sequel's release date sworded-out on 81-74-00"

That's how easy it is. I purposefully tried to make those even worse than most puns, but halfway through the 3rd of the 6 seconds it took to write them I realized you can't make puns any worse than they are because they are already at the absolute zero level of the hilarity scale. They are the deep, deep space, perfect vacuum of humor. The only things that even approach puns for lack of hilarity are Mexican Comedy and everything Seth McFarlane has ever done (for comparison, the Holocaust is approximately 10^7 times funnier than either of those).

Honestly, if you've ever written a pun I sincerely hope you fucking bleed to death out of your ass.