Viking-correct

In the past few weeks I have been stopped countless times in 7-11 and on the street by people asking me the same question. They phrase it a thousand different ways, but the jizz of it is always-

"We know what Vikings hate when it comes to fashion, but what can I wear to be Viking-correct?"

I thought I would throw up a quick guide so everyone can come Viking-correct. First thing is first- if you're wearing a pooka-shell necklace or a livestrong bracelet you need to heat up some coconut oil until it smokes then pour it down your throat until the broseph is burnt out of your soul or you die. Preferably die.

1: Music player. One of the most important fashion accessories a Viking has (his axe doesn't count since it's a killing accessory on one end and a pleasure accessory on the other. Which end is what depends on how much the Viking likes you) is his personal metal/techno producing device to give him that edge during rowing and fighting. Some Viking hordes use a cage full of real metal bands and real guys pressing one key on a keyboard, some vikings go "UM TISS UM TISS" with their mouths while another Viking mouth-guitars a crunchy riff and another talks about battle in his righteous Viking voice, but most Vikings just use a Zune. Zunes enable a Viking to push women in the mud and stomp visogoth children into the dirt at a rate unheard of before Bill Gates took his hand out of everyone's cookie jar long enough to ascend to Aesgard and arm wrestle Odin for his prototype Zune. Odin lost of course because Bill Gates is fucking awesome and now Vikings are blessed with the best portable media player ever. And the best part is that Bill Gates practically gives them away for ridiculously low prices that any Viking can afford, it's like trading off two fire logs and a smidgen of ram's blood for one.

Not a Zune tattoo you terrified fat retard, a REAL Zune.

2. Bearskin jerkin. This is perhaps the most over-looked fashion accessory. Most Viking hopefuls think, "hey all bearskins are separate but equal, why does it matter what kind I wear?" Well that is a complete assery of fuckitude. A good bearskin will cause you to go berserk WAY sooner, thus killing way more people and possibly even pushing a tree or two down onto fat kids who can't get out of the way fast enough. I've personally gone berserk before I even got off the longboat and managed to swim to a roman boat and kill everyone on board before cutting a broad-shouldered swath of anal destruction 7 miles long all because I was wearing a deep black bearskin hide taken from the mightiest bear warrior I could kill while he was drunk on fermented honey and passed out from a chinese opium overdose. I must have raped at least 832 buttholes and stolen 40-50 Playstation 3's that day, all due to my bareskin jerkin coming from the stoutest of bear warriors. One Viking was caught wearing a jerkin from a bear who was known to watch Family Guy and was promptly castrated and forced to listen to the Vietnamese national anthem sung in vietnamese until his eardrums exploded from disgustingly-gross-language overload.

Hot tip- never wear your bearskin jerkin while taking a duke, an accidental berserking has been the cause of many a behelmeting of a formerly impressive hog.

Vikings hate PETA with a fury unmatched. When bears form Bears for the Ethical Treatment of Vikings and protest other bears wearing Viking-bone necklaces then we'll talk.