I grade on a 13 point scale- one for every inch of Thor’s shaft (does not include his 4 inch helmet). It looks something like this-
1. Not even sub-atomic particles can pass
2. Acceptable tightness
3. Needs work
4 - 12. Unacceptable
13. Complete and total prolapse
(This scale can also be applied to vaginas but you have to reverse it because only the most gaped of vaginas can comfortably accommodate the girth of a Viking hog, anything less than a gape-factor of 13 will result in post-natal depression syndrome for the female)
My anus is a 1.29999 for example- my shits look like I left a 30 foot brown LAN cable in the toilet when I’m done. It is of the utmost importance that a Viking keeps his elasticity so high that any boner attempting to penetrate would be instantly shorn in twain. It is imperative that nothing, I mean NOTHING, ascends a Viking’s rectum even a millimeter. If a turd goes halfway out then you accidentally suck it back in a scoche or a tittle, you just got assfucked. If your boxers breach the outer rim while you scratch an itchy asshole, your butt-hymen just got rocked. If you put your own finger up your butthole to see if you can feel the tip of a fat dook you’re ok, just don’t do it more than once a year and make sure you do it in the shower.
Although it is extremely unlikely that anyone would even have access to a Viking’s unguarded asshole, Odin is quite fond of a tight rectus-majoris and will take any opportunity to date-rape a Viking warrior. Be careful at Odin’s table unless Thor is there to regulate or you WILL end up buggered in the bum (Odin’s dong is super tiny though so it won’t affect your elasticity, just your honor and warrior-pride. Also your t-cell count since Odin is riddled with mutant AIDS). As they say- an ounce of prevention, or anus-keggles, is worth a pound of re-cinching at the cosmetic surgeon. If your anus is too far gone (4-12) and you must have reconstructive surgery be sure to specify you don’t want the usual VCR belt installed for elasticity (they always broke on VCRs, this Viking had to ghetto rig many a VCR with rubber bands over the years after a belt broke halfway through Braveheart or Porky’s), you want the more expensive little girl’s scrunchy option (pink if available). They last forever, I’ve found those things on the road and I swear they look like they’re 100 years old but always still super elastic.
The key to maintaining an anus in the 1-2 range is to eat tons of fiber and oil your rectum up with ram’s blood each morning to make your morning dook smooth as butter. You don’t want some baseball-sized donkey turd rending your asshole asunder just because you forgot to eat your whole grains the day before. Nutrition is paramount. Keep those stools soft and hold a playdough template between your ass cheeks to keep it fun- a 2-foot heart-shaped log will brighten any Viking’s day.
Posts
3 comments:
Have vikings ever shown mercy? I can't think of an instance where mercy should be shown (bears can spot weakness and will use legends of mercy against vikings for sure). But maybe you know of such an instance.
Great question- I would expect no less from a fellow warrior of legend. I will consult Thor next time Odin descends to Niblheim for some lactose-free goat milk (so as not to hurt Odin's feelings by asking Thor right in front of him).
It's good that you're here to transcribe the words of Thor like this. Rarer still that such a warrior of girth and breadth could stay his axe long enough to pen such enlightening verses.
Post a Comment