Things that disgust me- Lance Armstrong

X-ray view of Lance during a race

I fucking hate Lance Armstrong. Hate him. This guy is the biggest money grubbing sell-out hypocrite in the sports world. It's a given that sports stars are going to endorse every product on god's plastic covered earth- hell I've got a patent on a riding lawnmower that transforms into a 9 foot tall black robot with a fire-hose cock that shoots grass mulch & dirt into your anus, and I've got like 7 football players beating down my door to endorse it. Lance Armstrong though, the guy is a fuckstain on the panties of a morbidly obese transvestite who just got horse-fucked by a stallion with equine AIDS.


First of all, he cheats his way to winning that stupid biking thing in Germany or France or wherever the fuck it is, like 7 times. The guy is a doper, plain and simple, and if you don't believe that then you're stupid. Nothing witty, you're just plain stupid. Then the guy gets "cancer", as in the type of cancer that celebrities get where it's sort of like real cancer only since they have shitloads of money and access to sweet drugs they don't die from it, just get a boost to their careers (sort of like when they get AIDS, only people will still swim with them).

Then, get this, he fucking cheats his way to winning that retarded cycling contest again! If people couldn't tell already, he's a fucking doper- you don't recover from cancer and then beat the best cyclists in the world without a little "help". You can recover from cancer, or you can win the Tour De Puerto Rico, but you can't do both. Now people look up to this guy like he's some kind of altruistic hero, going out there and championing his fake charity and just being an all around good ol' boy who overcame adversity, despite the fact that he's a fucking cheater, a liar, and a corporate shill who uses his "street cred" from fronting a fake charity to get people to buy into whatever shit product he's endorsing at that microsecond.

He even cheated his gummi-boner into her stretched out bum-plumb.

What really pisses me off about this guy is those god damned Livestrong bracelets that every single-celled amoeba-like retard with a credit card from Abercrombie & Fitch wears. I see these things everywhere, but the bulk of them are on mongoloids with catastrophically low cognitive functionality who consider grade school math "confusing" and own flip-flops. What the fuck is wrong with people that they donate $3 (of which like .25 actually goes towards any research) to some stupid fake charity and then announce it to the world by wearing the proof like they did some ogasmically awesome thing? It's 3 fucking dollars you rancid-gummed colon-scrapers; that's barely enough to buy a cup of coffee, did you really swallow so much lead in grade school that you're retarded enough to believe your pathetic gesture is worthy of recognition?

Every time I see a Livestrong bracelet I want to yell at the moron wearing it, "Let me bow down to your generosity, oh benevolent one, you have given SO much of yourself, wear your emblem of goodwill and charity with pride!" Fuck you, you stupid bracelet wearing, shit eating fucks. If you wear a livestrong bracelet I want to fist fuck your throat with Voltron's fist while the fat guy lion pilot trains a real lion to ram a 19 inch black dildo up your rectum with its teeth while mauling your stupid fucking eyeballs out with a face level reach around.