Guests at Odin's Table - Amon Amarth

Holy fucking living shit, messiah of all fecal matter, resurrected to save all poop- Amon Amarth rules harder than a tiny-dicked king with short man complex! If you've never listened to real viking metal these guys are the top of their field, they're like the viking metal equivalent of Fyodor Dostoevsky. Seriously, the chorus in this song is "Thor, Odin's son, protector of mankind, ride to meet your fate, your destiny awaits!" which in metal terms is so eloquent it could be sung to God and out of a fierce and sudden love he'd be forced to tug you off (reverse grip jerk off, way more demeaning to whoever is performing) with a fluffy cloud.

There's a legend that is totally true about Odin inviting every member of Amon Amarth to a huge feast supposedly in their honor, but secretly he was jealous of how much testosterone they possessed and planned to poison them in their wine (he got the idea from Cauldron Born). Little did he know that earlier that day Thor, who this song is about, had warned them of Odin's treachery and told them about his beard extensions which he was super embarrassed about. So when the time came for the feast, everyone was eating their mutton and biscuits and raising a real fine ruckus, when Odin had a bunch of huge-tittied whores bring in the wine. No one seemed to notice Odin watching with eager eyes as the band raised the wine cups to their mouths... then drank them down with huge heroic gulps, their eyes aflame with valorous pyres.

"You just fucked up big time, clit septums! That wine was poisoned!" Odin yelled, blasting to his feet and knocking his chair over and looking admittedly pretty cool despite his cowardly actions.

Odin contemplating his dastardly plan while taking a duke. Not shown- needle full of HGH, shameful beard extensions, and comb-over salve.

The whole room was quiet as Odin savored the moment, but immediately the lead singer rose and flexed his chain mail jerkin completely off. Underneath was an anti-poison amulet stolen from Freya's tampon drawer (she used it to ward off yeast infections), and all the other band members had similar ones stolen from other Valkyrie's maxi pad and tampon drawers!

"No, this can't be! Why does god hate me so much!?" Odin yelled in anguish. The lead singer looked him up and down, then grabbed him and got him in a full nelson embarrassingly easily. The guitarist then flexed his chain mail jerkin off and used his huge buff pecs to grip Odin's beard extensions and pull them off all at once, then the drummer flexed his leggings clean off, unrolled his prolapsed anus, and rested it on Odin's comb-over, humiliating him in front of all the Valkyries and serving wenches (some of whom had planned to let Odin stuff Mjolnir in their buttholes later on but changed their minds after seeing him get his comeuppance.)

But enough talk, let the video have at you!


Once your retinas have re-attached themselves to your fat eyeballs and your gunt of lardly caliber has quit jiggling from the incredible pounding everything within 100 paces of your speakers received, try to analyze what you just saw. That video had everything that true Vikings hold dear; longboat rowing, killing of visigoths, beards, fire, shields, shields on fire, big muscles, awesome gauntlets for forearm smashing ugly people, flags, and dropping-napalm-on-gooks-in- 'nam levels of valor and heroism. The only thing it was missing was rape, but it's hard to find someone who won't willingly fuck you and your horse when you're in an awesome Viking band.