Dead Enemies of the Norns- David Carradine

The news is just in; David Carradine was found dead with a cord wrapped around his naked body. The initial reports are that he was doing this (in a hotel room in Thailand instead of his back yard)-


with a huge, bent black dong he'd had imported from South Africa (live negro still attached) when something went awry and he fell backwards onto a floor lamp which he mistook for a Yakuza henchman trying to steel his patent for the amazing miracle exercise device (also known as a piece of bent pipe he made in his garage). Chaos ensued, and the outcome was a dead David Carradine, a broken floor lamp, and one buff, confused negro with a 16 inch hog covered in David Carradine's cheetos-powder fingerprints.

Now I wouldn't say that I fucking hated David Carradine and am celibrating this day, I just wished he was dead and despised everything the faker stood for. This was probably the only man alive who's delusions about his race & mastery of the martial arts was equal to or surpassing Steven Seagal's. The difference is that Seagal is hilarious because nobody takes a fat, pony-tailed guido seriously as a anything other than a fat, pony-tailed guido, no matter how hard he tries to make us believe he's native american, where-as for some reason there are people who actually believed David Carradine knew something about martial arts. These people are fucking morons.

For example; David Carradine was asked in an interview "Does it (playing kung-fu masters) come as easily as it used to now that you're 71?" to which he replied (with a straight face)-

...it gets to the point where you're able to bend time, where you're working against somebody who is moving fast as lightning and you're basically in slow motion, but you're still just as fast as he is. The more you learn about this stuff, which also means the older you get, the more you're able to just simply use time better. Somehow or other, when I'm watching this punch come at me or this kick come at me, I have an eternity to think about blocking it or dodging it. I think that's part my kung fu training and part something to do with quantum physics, which I have been studying a lot. That's a major discipline that really everybody should be getting into, but particularly martial artists. There's the whole idea that the experiment is changed just simply by you doing it, by you looking at it. So, me being there actually changes the moment. I can make time longer than it is. I really can. It's part my training and part who I am, I guess.

He just said quantum-fucking-physics, like his kung-fu has become so powerful that it takes a room full of Nazi scientists just to understand one of his "time-bending" punches. This is a guy who even in his fucking PRIME couldn't kick faster or higher than an AIDS patient in a pool of jello doing the Van Damme style underwater training. He was fucking slow as shit 40 years ago, and he was roughly 10 magnitudes slower than shit when he died.

Nazi scientist wrestling with the quantum physics of David Carradine opening the fridge.

Even as a kid I knew he was a charlatan; watching his shit Kung-Fu show I remember asking my uncle why he kicked so slow and why his enemies just stood there for like 5 minutes and let him kick them. My uncle let me in on the little secret that David Carradine didn't know JACK SHIT about kung-fu, he was just an actor, and a terrible one at that. Back in the 80s everybody hated David Carradine because there were real martial arts superstars round-housing the box office every month, but apparently somewhere in the late 90s/early 2000s people forgot that people who really know Kung-Fu don't need the camera sped up to 12 frames a second just to make their kicks look like someone couldn't read Crime & Punishment before leisurely stepping out of the way.

This is a guy who also said in an interview that he has so much Chi (aka Chinese concept with some merit twisted into bullshit, retarded new-age faggotry by western dipshit charlatans such as David Carradine) that he could give a woman an orgasm merely by touching her, and that he had to be careful during sex or he might accidentally blast the woman through the wall with his Chi power. I'm not making this up, I swear to God he said this in a Playboy interview. He actually believed he could Dragon Ball Z a girl through a hotel wall, slow down time and space with Kung-Fu-Quantum-Physics, then give her an instantaneous orgasm in mid air with his pinky before the rubble hit the ground.

His death has made me think though, who's next up for dyin' on the list of celebrities I fucking hate now that David Carradine and George Carlin are out of the way? Who do I have to look forward to? Carlos Mencia? Every other mexican commedian all at once? Ryan Reynolds? Souljah Boy?