Viking Game Reviews- Corn Buster

Warning: this game contains absolutely no corn busting. I repeat: you do not bust any corn. As everyone knows, a popular Viking pasttime is to throw ears of corn up in the air and then punch them so hard that the atoms get ultra excited, producing massive amounts of heat and popping the corn kernels. Atoms are well-known to get excited at the burly touch of a Viking-- most Vikings can talk a gang of atoms into smashing into each other at high velocities inside Viking peeholes just by speaking nordic to them. In fact a few years back I submitted a proposal to the guys who funded the Large Hadron Collider that listed a troop of brutish Vikings and 493 tankards of grog (plus a few boxes of pipe cleaners to keep peeholes free of blockage) as the only expenses necessary to find the Higgs Boson particle, but it was rejected due to the egg-heads in charge not being able to handle how massive Viking lats are. Anyway, this game sucks shit.


It's like a ripoff of Develish, which in turn is an anally-pumped up version of Super Breakout with demons. Only in this game you're looking for corn flakes or something: according to some guy on youtube who actually sat through the entire intro all the corn flakes got stolen and, instead of just making some more, the Corn Flake Conglomerates of the Northern Hemisphere fund a gigantic 2-part space ship that repels a huge iron ball and send it out into massive, maze-like warehouses full of boxes (where the Corn Flake SS got a hot tip from Captain Crunch's ninjas that the stolen corn flakes were hidden) to smash them and hopefully find said missing corn flakes. Seems logical I suppose, at least as logical as a plane full of an ethnically diverse cast of characters who all just happen to have very colorful backgrounds crash-landing on some awesome tropical island nobody knows about even though the world is overpopulated and then encountering stupid shit like aliens and submarines and holes in the space time continuum for 5+ seasons.

Viking Content: 1/10 The name is awesome.
Historical Accuracy: 10/10 They definitely did their research on the great Corn Flake famine of the late 1990's
Patriotism Level: 0/10 Even the reds, whites, and blues are very dull in this game.
Foes Killed In Real Life As a Direct Result of Playing This Game: 267, but that's because I got mule-kicked by a rhino into a cosplay convention while playing this on my silicon graphics workstation that I carry around on my back.

Berserk Rage: Immediate upon realizing you've been lied to about the quality and content of corn busting.
Final Rating: 0 out of a possible 13 Valkyries carrying you to Valhalla. You remain in Midgard fluffing bulls and cleaning giraffe rectums. Turn to page 34.