I went to the polling place on tuesday, ready to cast my humongously-hung vote-- it was literally such a girthy vote that they had to set up a special double-wide booth for it to dig out-- and was surprised to find no candidates that represented either my Norwegian heritage or the issues I firmly believe in. The issues being; property rights for conquered peoples (I'm against the government forcing a razing ban, a Viking should be able to burn anything he can't carry away), the de-criminalization of super-late term abortions (like after 9 months) when performed in a capacity that shuts a screaming, shit eating baby the fuck up (I'm for it), and a lifting of any and all fines levied on long boats left unattended on public beaches.
After quickly becoming jaded with our stupid ass democratic system, I decided it was time for action in a method that some may call completely random and having nothing to do with democracy, but which I call patriotism in its truest form. I launched a campaign to decide for the next 4 years just how deep my jimmy should run in everyone's rectum. This was no two party system; I put forth candidates from all sectors, appealing to all peoples. The liberals could choose TO THE HILT, the conservatives were represented by BALLS DEEP, and the independents could rally behind GAPING & PROLAPSE DEPTH.
I ran a successful campaign in those 2 hours before the polls closed, and was happy to see that GAPING & PROLAPSE DEPTH walked away with the popular vote. It was a victory for the little guy who wants a massive whale of a man-hog going full bore on his/her soon to be prolapsed anus. I look forward to making good on my campaign promise; to GAPE each and every asshole until you can play a successful game of Operation in your anus with the fat end of a bowling pin, then grab your rectum with my pee hole mandibles and tug it out until it looks like a worm from Dune hanging out of your butt.
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