Cauldron Born

These guys aren't just guests at Odin's table, they full-on get him in a headlock and take turns giving him noogies before finally slapping his face with the filthy, beast-blood coated underside of a giant spoon freshly warmed upon their acrid nuts. This is the best, most intense, most metal band ever. I first learned of these stout fellows on a raid of a certain visigoth settlement on the banks of the Euphrates river not 5 summers and a fortnight ago. My member was fully engorged and dragging behind me in the dirt, leaving a 4 inch deep trench, when it suddenly become erect and catapulted me about 15 yards in the direction I had just come.

Apparently my dong had detected the double base drum of Cauldron Born practicing in the next village over, and responded as any true metal hero's hungimus maximus would, by instantly becoming harder than the keel of a Knarr boat.


Anyway, turns out they were playing their magnum opus, "By This Axe I Rule" while simultaneously gang-raping a bull (with a cowboy on its back) and fighting off a horde of swolen-bellied Picts. Obviously I helped them out in both of the latter endeavors, and became their first fan to ever live long enough to hear the end of the song. Also, our boners all touched in the bull's anus which in some cultures(Mexican) means we are Gods.

Here are the lyrics to this battle epic, probably one of the single finest bits of prose ever committed in ripped-asshole blood to the sun-dried skin of an enemy.

Outlaw, Exile of Atlantis
My tribesmen turned on me
They said, I could slay in war
but not in mercy (common mistake in non-viking cultures)

They tied a girl to a stake to be burned alive
My dagger found her heart mercifully she died (probably because she was ugly or had syphilis, maybe both)

I fled into the sea
Sailing toward my fate
I the Barbarian King (very confident, this part always gets my veins throbbing)

They try to poison me in my wine
They try to kill me in my chambers at night
But I was a man before a King
By This Axe I Rule (so true, so true! I don't drink wine but the one time I did there was some skinny little shit in a white cloak that poured some powder into it hoping to kill me, lucky for me I have this guy named Juan Gomez who tastes everything for me and due to years of eating donkey meat and bugs can stomach any poison)

Outlaw, Exile of Atlantis
A savage in a foreign land
Valusia was the kingdom
Fate had delivered to my hand (Valusia is Norwegian for America, so this part is super patriotic)

We stormed the castle a howling
My mercenaries and I
Blood drunk wolves in the night

I slew the tyrant King
Took the crown from his gored head
Kull, the barbarian King (notice how he uses a bull's horn to kill the tyrant, so awesome)

[Solo] (nearly 3 full minutes of solo, this is where most people die of collapsed lungs from chest bumping each other in a berserk frenzy or from blood-loss when their high-fives go horribly right and end in loss of limbs)

Outlaw, Exile of Atlantis
I sit the topaz throne
Brooding and seeking
some sort of meaning alone (fist sign of trouble here, his problem is that he's not actively engaged in raping and pillaging, even if you have to rape and pillage your own stuff you still need to do it at least once or twice a month- if your family really loves you they'll understand)

I looked into the mirrors of Tuzun Thune
Seeking answers from beyond the stars
Voices cried back to me
Be not bound by the laws of the land
Civilized man can never be free (exactly! that's why I always flaunt the law any chance I get, even if it's just to jay walk or speed, or maybe falsifying a prescription for horse tranquilizers for my ass cheeks and botox for my hog)

They try to poison me in my wine
They try to kill me in my chambers at night
But I was a man before a King
Rush in dogs and die! (I remember like 2 months ago I was asleep right, and I hear some whispering and war music outside my chamber, and I think, "they've finally summoned the courage to try and take me", so I get up and there's like 12 dudes in my kitchen making sandwiches and drinking my coke, so I fucking yell "RUSH IN DOGS AND DIE!" and they freaked out and left. Turns out I had actually fallen asleep in my friend's room during a party, and most of the people I chased out were actually chicks, but word spread pretty quickly that I was a man before a king and not to fuck with me)

Down drowned forests, sunken mountains
ride the echoes of valor on ghost white steeds
Legacy of Atlantean Kings (echoes of valor- that's how I describe the sounds super fat people make when I sucker-punch their fat disgusting gunts. Yes, all super fat people have gunts. Remember- it's valorous to sucker-punch gunts, but not back-titties, don't ever punch back-titties because it not only does no damage, it enrages the lummox they're attached too, plus the shockwave from a good stout Viking punch makes their front-titties jiggle which is fucking gross)

To sum it all up, here is a video I made for that song. I got bored at about the 3 minute mark so deal with it, it took me like 5 fucking hours to make little is there.