VGR- Sol Moonarge (PCE Duo)

These screen shots are all taken the way they took them in the old days, with a digital camera and a TV. There's a poll on CNBC.com where they surveyed 189,328 fags and every single one of them used an emulator for screen shots.*

Sol Moonarge is the story of a boy with a really long nose who sets out to find his dad. His nose is really long because for some stupid reason Japanese people seem to find that scary or intimidating or something, but besides the fact that they obviously ripped off Pinocchio for the design of the main character, the game is actually incredibly good.

This is about as 16bit RPG as you get, everything is completely streamlined and perfected. The battles load ultra fast, the menus are nicely laid out and not cluttered, there's minimal backtracking, and it's loaded with voices and cinemas. The most interesting departure Sol makes from regular RPGs is that many of the dungeons are viewed from the side like a 2D platformer (although they still play like the overhead dungeons). The graphics range from awesome to pretty good, but even at its worst it still looks a minimum of 12 times better than any Super Nintendo game.

There's actually a great story about the title of this game. It was named by two Japanese nerd kids who won a contest in a nerd magazine or something gay like that, and they got to name the game. Since the main character is named Sol and he rages when the moon is full, and being future salary-men with no creativity and only the loosest grasp of English, they named it Sol Moonarge. The correct title should read "Sol Moon Rage."

Anyway the story is about this long nosed shit who goes looking for his dad who manages to get his retarded ass blasted across the continent by some other long nosed dufus in the first 2 hours of the game. The story isn't important though, since there are a shitload of dungeons and sweet puzzles to solve.

There are also some nipples on enemies and a couple bosses which is pretty cool. The only real drawback to the game is that all your companions look like they were designed by the double-retarded children of retarded adults. There's a hebrew with a beanie who rubs his hands together and thinks about money all the time (actually a pretty cool character now that I think about it), a tomato that grows into a bigger tomato, a generic girl, and a buff circus guy who wears green suspenders.

The best thing about playing games in Japanese is when somebody says something meaningful to someone else, the other person always says their name. For example-

Tetsukio- "Jingumi, your honor is very tight and can cleanly cut a banana in two."

Jingumi- "Tetsukio..."

Honestly how retarded is that? I can't believe that Japanese people do this in real life. Imagine how gay it would be to say your friend's name when they said something to you.

Scott- "Hey man, that hat is fucking rad."

Brad- "Scott..."

Scott- "What?"

Brad- "When you said that, I could only sigh your name in reply."

Scott- "UGH"

That conversation would be ok if Scott and Brad were preparing to put chinese finger cuffs on their tongues and boners and have nearly impossible gay sex, but otherwise it's just gay.

On my checklist of things to do in life is say something so meaningful to a Japanese person that they have no choice but to utter my name with a truly spectacular pause afterwards in which all we can do is look into each other's eyes and nod. I want the nod to be so meaningful that all I can do is utter the Japanese person's name back, and complete the circle of faggitude.

Viking Content: 1/10 One character sort of looks like a Viking and definitely acts like one.
Historical Accuracy: 8/10
Patriotism Level: 5/10 No references to the USA, but all the protagonists love freedom and hate terrorists
Foes Killed In Real Life As a Direct Result of Playing This Game: 2

Berserk Rage: Very low, although the high encounter rate will occasionally send you into a berserker barrage.
Final Rating: 11 out of a possible 13 Valkyries carrying you to Valhalla.