VGR- Viking Battle for Asgard (360, PS3)

Viking: Battle for No Actual Viking Content

What a hunk of potato-sized shit. This game claims right on the box "VIKING BATTLE FOR ASGARD", but the only things you'll encounter that are even remotely viking-like are some crashed long boats on the beach and some references to Norse gods and Valkyries. Oh yeah it also has "Asgard" in the title, and it's called Viking. That's the extent of actual Viking content in the entire game, although I think it had some runes in there somewhere too but they don't count since they just made them up instead of using real ones.

The first major problem with this game is its portrayal of Vikings as womanly, pathetic individuals who get captured en masse. We're led to believe that these "vikings" are so non-threatening that their captors let them keep their weapons! Can you imagine being a viking in a cage with like 12 other vikings, and your captors have such disdain for your warrior skills that they not only let you remain armed to the teeth, but possibly throw you a few more weapons too? Seriously, when you free these guys they come running out of their flimsy ass cages, brandishing battle axes and full body armor. Bullshit. A real viking wouldn't have been captured in the first place, he would have clove his own head in twain, and ripped his own anus asunder before letting someone chain him up.

bunch of pussy "vikings" cowering in a cage

That's just the tip of the helmet too, the problems in this game run deeper than Ice Cube's dick (but unfortunately did not put my butt to sleep). The graphics are pretty bad, especially when compared to the "gameplay" pics and movies that were shown before its release. Bad graphics I could handle though if the power of the Xbox 360 was put to use in realizing full beard physics, beard spacular highlighting, and beard strand-compositing, but- absorb this knowledge- the main character doesn't even have a beard.

Lack of "beard physics" conveniently hidden in this promotional pic

In fact the entire game can be summed up with a dismissive "No beards, no deal." It's a fundamental flaw, like leaving out jumping in Mario- you don't make a Viking game about capture-prone vikings and then shave the main characters face right before shipping the game. Also, why are there long boats everywhere but you can't even row them? Would it have killed the developers to include a rowing minigame? Instead there are sneaking segments where you have to infiltrate an enemy base! Sneaking! What fucking genius history buff suggested "Hey you know how you always hear about Vikings sneaking around? Lets add some of that to the game."

Typical Viking engaged in Spec-Ops behind enemy lines.

Viking Content: 2/10
Historical Accuracy: -34/10
Patriotism Level: 0/10
Foes Killed In Real Life As a Direct Result of Playing This Game: 27

Berserk Rage: Moderately high, except on sneaking levels where it's instantly maxed out.
Final Rating: Dying with wounds in your back.