tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34049808661033373502024-02-22T01:37:24.924-08:00VIKING WARLORD#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-47794340622199338332009-12-11T17:38:00.000-08:002009-12-11T18:14:57.998-08:00Wrestling GamesI recently decided to dig all my old wrestling games out of the closet and do some reviews because someone told me that wrestlers were like modern day vikings except that they don't have long boats, don't know how to row, and rarely have beards or anything else that a Viking would have. This person probably meant <span style="font-style: italic;">in spirit</span>, which is what you say when something is absolutely nothing like something else but you really, really wish it were.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqM4I2Fk75F1Lh8118XeIbBfEtf88CzC5OhX_Xf8Ewkc5ttWSrp8urs-TPo-kEm2MaP050K3zsdK6kLidLa5RLLAC-hXhZh9qlLDRuz7thrQtq3Gixy6zMiEUwgRx3TnPep6vB-kgs2Ddq/s1600-h/Here_comes_the_pain.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 282px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqM4I2Fk75F1Lh8118XeIbBfEtf88CzC5OhX_Xf8Ewkc5ttWSrp8urs-TPo-kEm2MaP050K3zsdK6kLidLa5RLLAC-hXhZh9qlLDRuz7thrQtq3Gixy6zMiEUwgRx3TnPep6vB-kgs2Ddq/s400/Here_comes_the_pain.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414158529031301954" border="0" /></a>First up is a classic- the one that started it all, and I'm pretty sure the first and last wrestling game to ever be rated T for teen. After that they started putting in all the good stuff like fake-titty battles and sized all the men's shorts down to pre-teen so any boners could immediately be disqualified or hit with a chair, depending on which direction the ref is facing.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCHNkcHrSwy3TlgWFGAvpVIExQ_l-SAFXmE4GGYB_08z0pKVffWMAr_TyTMR1YI-1NNv_mI41im1-osaRF8fWvvPEZREyowRkixXpmdv1CbEEw91YKfTvTCM9Xo3yp6Z1lWB6zNd18Hnh1/s1600-h/WWE_PAIN2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 282px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCHNkcHrSwy3TlgWFGAvpVIExQ_l-SAFXmE4GGYB_08z0pKVffWMAr_TyTMR1YI-1NNv_mI41im1-osaRF8fWvvPEZREyowRkixXpmdv1CbEEw91YKfTvTCM9Xo3yp6Z1lWB6zNd18Hnh1/s400/WWE_PAIN2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414158539334252466" border="0" /></a>Next is my personal favorite in the series. This one is where the mechanics of wrestling games really got refined to a point that has yet to be surpassed. By this I mean that while your guy is laying on the ground for 5 minutes after a kick to the face that missed by a good 3 feet you get to mash your buttons rhythmically instead of just hammering on them willy nilly. The back of the box even boasts "GIVES WILLY NILLY BUTTON MASHING A FLYING ELBOW!!" as a bullet point, although unless that's the game's finishing move it's not going to do anything more than build up Willy Nilly Button Mashing's rage meter while slightly annoying him.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu06fJeL9g-i7jlE1EZ-Gu36zcfmnPphvS_eUC35HgFLBJydH5s_nX-snhs8zwv3jNNjB1EdR5vdGVjOiKgEwkBOI8vnpZJ-PMEzj_YLDt_bFTuZioEqY3KWoHGfs9PkECTUnO1gcfCVCw/s1600-h/WWE_PAIN3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 282px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu06fJeL9g-i7jlE1EZ-Gu36zcfmnPphvS_eUC35HgFLBJydH5s_nX-snhs8zwv3jNNjB1EdR5vdGVjOiKgEwkBOI8vnpZJ-PMEzj_YLDt_bFTuZioEqY3KWoHGfs9PkECTUnO1gcfCVCw/s400/WWE_PAIN3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414158543727995746" border="0" /></a>The controversial 3rd entry in the series took it in a more sim-like direction. People didn't like the micro-managing of taping your balls to your wiener between matches to keep it from flopping out of your shorts (assuming you had a wrestler with a high enough flop stat to have to worry about it) and the constant monitoring of jerry-curl juice levels.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE5UDUTPkffE0jqKgvcfhKwzoHq4UdWDJzoRfkuM04KkC-HtunJ-Xo1tGZXKqaGX2THBDcxiuAIg19fIf_aR3PPEnLE62RWn9PUMvzQgZjxVng8zxBIAMxKkwbNvLCVY8bPEKiR3p2Y09C/s1600-h/WWE_PAIN4.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 282px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE5UDUTPkffE0jqKgvcfhKwzoHq4UdWDJzoRfkuM04KkC-HtunJ-Xo1tGZXKqaGX2THBDcxiuAIg19fIf_aR3PPEnLE62RWn9PUMvzQgZjxVng8zxBIAMxKkwbNvLCVY8bPEKiR3p2Y09C/s400/WWE_PAIN4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414158548869822466" border="0" /></a>The last one I played before I lost interest in wrestling games and moved on to Kart racers. A lackluster end to the series if you ask me. There was too much of an emphasis on close-talking and jabba-jawing, and not nearly enough emphasis on modeling dongs and asses for hilarious pantsing maneuvers- all the wieners and asses were super blocky like a N64 game. John Cena deserved better than a Lego dong.#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-63972745174523043032009-11-25T11:33:00.001-08:002009-11-25T13:03:15.924-08:00The Puns... The Puns!Holy fucking SHIT I am sick of reading a headline about a game or movie release that has a pun in it. Today I had to use the counter technique from Fist of the Northstar on my brain to keep it from exploding after I read these pieces of god-awful, shit writing-<br /><br /><a href="http://www.joystiq.com/2009/11/24/just-cause-2-grapples-onto-march-23-release-date/" rel="bookmark">"Just Cause 2 grapples onto March 23 release date</a>"<br /><br />God-DAMMIT. I'd rather get a sandpaper hand-job with 40 grit than read a fucking pun in a headline.<br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><a href="http://www.joystiq.com/2009/11/25/red-dead-redemption-saddles-up-in-april-2010/" rel="bookmark">"Red Dead Redemption saddles up in April 2010"</a></span><br /><br />That one got my dander up so much that the UFC said they won't come to Portland for at least 6 months due to "alarmingly high dander levels that may cause fear and intimidation in our fighters."<br /><br />These retards seem to be under the impression that people want some old-man, 1860s humor with their release dates. This spill-over phenomenon from section F newspaper headline style writing isn't limited to utter-shit sites like Joystiq that are written by community college dropout volunteers; professional sites with real employees are just as guilty, if not more-so since they (in theory at least) should be hiring people who actually have some sort of writing knowledge. The truest sign of people with absolutely no talent is not that they emulate (i.e. steal) style from more respected forms of media, but that they fucking steal the WORST parts of that style (shitty pun headlines) while their colossal ineptitude prevents them from stealing any of the good parts (like competent writing and actual research beyond reading it on another website).<br /><br />I'm struggling to imagine the kind of decision making that says "hey, instead of just having a machine spit out some release date headlines let's go ahead and hire a human to make up faggotarded puns so that all those people out there who are looking for a little personality in their release date headlines will choose our site!" As if there's some huge demographic of slack-jaws who, darnit, just can't get enough of them release dates and are actively searching for the site that can give each and every release date headline the extra bite that only a pun can provide. For fuck's sake, even downies get pissed off at puns.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzNBi0tejJ-EawO2AOeMkygMzuJ-Y7LXf43OjT3Gp9X3ZdiVL22xYGdSqqN4InxOBwp8aTB2lS2rdc3Py7iu3WcE9u1EawK7YaXNklHa6d_Ra7Hg_bAaBbClbd59mAyV3C9ZEW69_lhEAb/s1600/downie_at_computer.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzNBi0tejJ-EawO2AOeMkygMzuJ-Y7LXf43OjT3Gp9X3ZdiVL22xYGdSqqN4InxOBwp8aTB2lS2rdc3Py7iu3WcE9u1EawK7YaXNklHa6d_Ra7Hg_bAaBbClbd59mAyV3C9ZEW69_lhEAb/s400/downie_at_computer.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408145867660230370" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Downie being mentally abused by Gamespot.com</span><br /></div><br />The worst part is that you know whoever writes these things is sitting there with a smug smile on their face as if they just did something really clever. PUNS AREN'T FUCKING CLEVER. They are the crutch of retards who can't write, period. You want some proof? Here's a bunch of stupid headlines I just made up in literally 6 seconds-<br /><br />"Final Fantasy XIII is finally released 13-78-93"<br />"Dragon Age Origins isn't taking ages draggin' to retail, releases 10-23-89"<br />"Heavenly Sword gets heavenly sequel's release date sworded-out on 81-74-00"<br /><br />That's how easy it is. I purposefully tried to make those even worse than most puns, but halfway through the 3rd of the 6 seconds it took to write them I realized you can't make puns any worse than they are because they are already at the absolute zero level of the hilarity scale. They are the deep, deep space, perfect vacuum of humor. The only things that even approach puns for lack of hilarity are Mexican Comedy and everything Seth McFarlane has ever done (for comparison, the Holocaust is approximately 10^7 times funnier than either of those).<br /><br />Honestly, if you've ever written a pun I sincerely hope you fucking bleed to death out of your ass.#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-31498501710764331492009-11-20T10:30:00.000-08:002009-11-20T11:31:41.612-08:00Why I Don't Play Games Online.<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLqChQInklonfdUfjDhRBzfqvUf_UYirTZ5f3xGxCkOw5JSJn8QUq-sBs6Bxr3d-Ei4AWMQasrt0drUB3yzC97XVyJJ7hyphenhyphenUPNTHos_oCFMmNQ34GLK5RH0n-JI_wMqI_tKh0zOGfqmf68f/s1600/NintendoBATTLE.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 298px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLqChQInklonfdUfjDhRBzfqvUf_UYirTZ5f3xGxCkOw5JSJn8QUq-sBs6Bxr3d-Ei4AWMQasrt0drUB3yzC97XVyJJ7hyphenhyphenUPNTHos_oCFMmNQ34GLK5RH0n-JI_wMqI_tKh0zOGfqmf68f/s320/NintendoBATTLE.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5406270218966739922" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Poofy-hair and Young Charlie Sheen showing how real warriors start every game battle.</span><br /></div><br />I fucking hate playing games online. It's pointless, retarded, and while I won't claim that my time is in any way well-spent (except for the constant getting blasted in the stomach with cannon balls and standing under waterfalls chopping trees in half training), I can literally think of 1001 things that are a better use of it than playing some shit first person shooter against a bunch of abnormal, socially-inept dipshits halfway across the country. It's not fun-- if I want fun I'll play a good single player campaign where there are actual engineered challenges and progression instead of a series of cluster-fuck encounters on square maps where you try to make a number go up a few times so you can momentarily see your name above some other names on a single screen before doing it all over again.<br /><br />There is no payoff in winning against anonymous enemies. There is no satisfaction in that kind of empty victory.<br /><br />"How can that be, oh warrior?" you might be saying to yourself, "I feel a sense of victory every time I see my kill count go up!" Yes, but you're battling a bunch of fucking mentally-retarded children, fatsos, and worst of all, scrawny internet tough guys who's only courage in life comes from complete anonymity. Those are your opponents, over whom you feel superior when you win. Well fucking GODDAMMIT, I would HOPE you fucking feel superior to those shit-eating slack-jaws. I can't even fathom someone who finds it fun to play games against complete strangers who can call you "GAY NIGGER," "HOMO NIGGER," and whatever other stupid combinations of "NIGGER" and "HOMOSEXUAL" they stole from South Park with complete impunity. It's just moronic.<br /><br />A true warrior only takes pride in victories that are tangible. Sure the government can press a button and nuke half the world from the safety of a bunker, but they know there's no satisfaction in crushing their enemies that way. When you can thoroughly kick your friend's ass at Street Fighter IV and then see the anguish on his face as he struggles to hold back tears of frustration, THAT is a real victory. A warrior craves the palpable sorrow that gets stuck in his nostrils and fills his belly. He needs to feel the flow of blood on his hands as he socks a mother fucker in the mouth for calling him a "GAYFAG" to his face. That is what real victories are about. You're not going to drive any enemies before you and hear the lamentations of their women (metaphorically speaking of course, we all know the "girlfriends" of these guys have to stay away from dairy farms for fear of mistaken identities with hilarious results) if you can't fucking <span style="font-style: italic;">see</span> the cowardly fucks.<br /><br />So in summary, online gaming is for scrawny little boys and lard-tittied, puffy-nippled retards who don't have the balls to face real men in split-screen combat. I concede that if you actually know the people you're playing online against in real life and can mule-kick them in the throat for getting uppity with you, that's acceptable as long as you remember to do it before they forget what they did wrong (like training a dog).#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-11007697257338484822009-06-04T12:11:00.000-07:002009-06-04T14:18:38.017-07:00Dead Enemies of the Norns- David CarradineThe news is just in; David Carradine was found dead with a cord wrapped around his naked body. The initial reports are that he was doing this (in a hotel room in Thailand instead of his back yard)-<br /><br /><center><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/3q85cV3GOMw&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/3q85cV3GOMw&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></center><br />with a huge, bent black dong he'd had imported from South Africa (live negro still attached) when something went awry and he fell backwards onto a floor lamp which he mistook for a Yakuza henchman trying to steel his patent for the amazing miracle exercise device (also known as a piece of bent pipe he made in his garage). Chaos ensued, and the outcome was a dead David Carradine, a broken floor lamp, and one buff, confused negro with a 16 inch hog covered in David Carradine's cheetos-powder fingerprints.<br /><br />Now I wouldn't say that I fucking hated David Carradine and am celibrating this day, I just wished he was dead and despised everything the faker stood for. This was probably the only man alive who's delusions about his race & mastery of the martial arts was equal to or surpassing Steven Seagal's. The difference is that Seagal is hilarious because nobody takes a fat, pony-tailed guido seriously as a anything other than a fat, pony-tailed guido, no matter how hard he tries to make us believe he's native american, where-as for some reason there are people who actually believed David Carradine knew something about martial arts. These people are fucking morons.<br /><br />For example; David Carradine was asked in an interview <span style="font-style: italic;">"Does it (playing kung-fu masters) come as easily as it used to now that you're 71?"</span> to which he replied (with a straight face)-<br /><blockquote>...it gets to the point where you're able to bend time, where you're working against somebody who is moving fast as lightning and you're basically in slow motion, but you're still just as fast as he is. The more you learn about this stuff, which also means the older you get, the more you're able to just simply use time better. Somehow or other, when I'm watching this punch come at me or this kick come at me, I have an eternity to think about blocking it or dodging it. I think that's part my kung fu training and part something to do with quantum physics, which I have been studying a lot. That's a major discipline that really everybody should be getting into, but particularly martial artists. There's the whole idea that the experiment is changed just simply by you doing it, by you looking at it. So, me being there actually changes the moment. I can make time longer than it is. I really can. It's part my training and part who I am, I guess.<br /></blockquote>He just said quantum-fucking-physics, like his kung-fu has become so powerful that it takes a room full of Nazi scientists just to understand one of his "time-bending" punches. This is a guy who even in his fucking PRIME couldn't kick faster or higher than an AIDS patient in a pool of jello doing the Van Damme style underwater training. He was fucking slow as shit 40 years ago, and he was roughly 10 magnitudes slower than shit when he died.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS4RsGdT22WJAeyu9-uTj7HyuUKjkEJOgzrfXRKYGeacKI5emPCq0xIN84NUHtkIcY1B_GlttigVua8q9hijWLcEwxCGFoRapwH9dmkE-W7mZVIbOJSVuNp-TANAcWOFpeJNzkfclvKWuH/s1600-h/nazi_scientist.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 312px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS4RsGdT22WJAeyu9-uTj7HyuUKjkEJOgzrfXRKYGeacKI5emPCq0xIN84NUHtkIcY1B_GlttigVua8q9hijWLcEwxCGFoRapwH9dmkE-W7mZVIbOJSVuNp-TANAcWOFpeJNzkfclvKWuH/s400/nazi_scientist.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5343569662754537970" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Nazi scientist wrestling with the quantum physics of David Carradine opening the fridge</span>.<br /></div><br />Even as a kid I knew he was a charlatan; watching his shit Kung-Fu show I remember asking my uncle why he kicked so slow and why his enemies just stood there for like 5 minutes and let him kick them. My uncle let me in on the little secret that David Carradine didn't know JACK SHIT about kung-fu, he was just an actor, and a terrible one at that. Back in the 80s everybody hated David Carradine because there were real martial arts superstars round-housing the box office every month, but apparently somewhere in the late 90s/early 2000s people forgot that people who really know Kung-Fu don't need the camera sped up to 12 frames a second just to make their kicks look like someone couldn't read Crime & Punishment before leisurely stepping out of the way.<br /><br />This is a guy who also said in an interview that he has so much Chi (aka Chinese concept with some merit twisted into bullshit, retarded new-age faggotry by western dipshit charlatans such as David Carradine) that he could give a woman an orgasm merely by touching her, and that he had to be careful during sex or he might accidentally blast the woman through the wall with his Chi power. I'm not making this up, I swear to God he said this in a Playboy interview. He actually believed he could Dragon Ball Z a girl through a hotel wall, slow down time and space with Kung-Fu-Quantum-Physics, then give her an instantaneous orgasm in mid air with his pinky before the rubble hit the ground.<br /><br />His death has made me think though, who's next up for dyin' on the list of celebrities I fucking hate now that David Carradine and George Carlin are out of the way? Who do I have to look forward to? Carlos Mencia? Every other mexican commedian all at once? Ryan Reynolds? Souljah Boy?#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-8166489036712695012009-06-04T13:51:00.000-07:002009-06-04T14:16:59.585-07:00Why do I get pissed at black guys in romantic comedies?And why am I watching a fucking romantic comedy in the first place? Because I want to get my Viking hog lodged in a lass's throat, and since I'm not going to pillage and burn my own house to the ground rape is out of the question (can't rape without pillaging) , so I have to do it the old fashioned way; pretend to like a shit, brainless, formulaic romantic comedy written by Holliwood's all powerful ROM-COM computer (a TI-86 with dot-matrix printer) that pumps them out weekly given a few simple variables. I prefer the ones where in the third act something contrived happens to make the girl not want to see the guy ever again, then we get awesome scenes of both characters going about their lives, then in the final act the guy does something completely preposterous to win the girl back, i.e. every fucking romantic comedy ever "written."<br /><br />Anyway, on to the second question. If you've ever been forced to sit through a black romantic comedy you'll notice that no matter who the lead is he always spends 90% of the time he's not talking and 70% of the time he is talking licking his fucking lips and sucking on the bottom one. This is universal, no exceptions other than the %'s can be higher depending on how big the lips are. Now I understand a black dude has big lips and has to keep them moist, but in real life you don't fucking see every black guy walking around with his lips eternally glistening. I've talked to a few black guys in my time and not one of them spent the entire converstation sucking his bottom lip, and before you think something retarded like "they do it to be sexy" one of the black guys was gay as shit and definitely attracted to my granite-like chin so if there was anytime to be licking your lips in a sexy manor it was then.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6fzT2BYrXaF7o8mHLl3Fy2PYnIcc626ljMY2MIjmlOsY3wKNWHn9pJgfgobMWGOU0n6JmSBsQWJetLwKhbdr_mVUR8SP7YW9BE_nSJYD_E8wCtPXcDLBXVB3BpVxpr0URiaXxuDcFIPRo/s1600-h/black+guy+licking+lips.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 166px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6fzT2BYrXaF7o8mHLl3Fy2PYnIcc626ljMY2MIjmlOsY3wKNWHn9pJgfgobMWGOU0n6JmSBsQWJetLwKhbdr_mVUR8SP7YW9BE_nSJYD_E8wCtPXcDLBXVB3BpVxpr0URiaXxuDcFIPRo/s400/black+guy+licking+lips.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5343582790630443570" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">I got sick of looking for pictures of black guys in movies licking their lips to illustrate my point after nearly overdosing on all the gay porn a google search for "sexy black guys" nets so you'll have to be satisfied with this half-retarded mongoloid who is either trying to kill himself by swallowing his tongue or chewing 13 pieces of Hubba Bubba at once.</span><br /></div>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-16806773450916027642009-02-26T13:10:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:59:09.414-07:00Viking Game Reviews- Corn Buster<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUp8n19Ires9OfdoQ5WhCxM98m2jfUFxjSdeFFzYz9aU544goSw5-0D6RuwUxoS5etJ4EZTc0Xvru1ThH1-ethQTtGY-uXGp3Sof_QM1q2xKflNljU84AIi-ZruR6YOmWwOD3jjzpg_lyv/s1600-h/Corn+Buster.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 223px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUp8n19Ires9OfdoQ5WhCxM98m2jfUFxjSdeFFzYz9aU544goSw5-0D6RuwUxoS5etJ4EZTc0Xvru1ThH1-ethQTtGY-uXGp3Sof_QM1q2xKflNljU84AIi-ZruR6YOmWwOD3jjzpg_lyv/s320/Corn+Buster.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5307217614390261458" border="0" /></a><br />Warning: this game contains absolutely no corn busting. I repeat: you do not bust <span style="font-style: italic;">any</span> corn. As everyone knows, a popular Viking pasttime is to throw ears of corn up in the air and then punch them so hard that the atoms get ultra excited, producing massive amounts of heat and popping the corn kernels. Atoms are well-known to get excited at the burly touch of a Viking-- most Vikings can talk a gang of atoms into smashing into each other at high velocities inside Viking peeholes just by speaking nordic to them. In fact a few years back I submitted a proposal to the guys who funded the Large Hadron Collider that listed a troop of brutish Vikings and 493 tankards of grog (plus a few boxes of pipe cleaners to keep peeholes free of blockage) as the only expenses necessary to find the Higgs Boson particle, but it was rejected due to the egg-heads in charge not being able to handle how massive Viking lats are. Anyway, this game sucks shit.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU0cw3zml2N2KaXMc29WtHGApvGeGjgdBbQ19hzypSH3FTARQZGazcWXNkW-9mbp7WsjZIdmjfgKtSqK8Dt11c83D_u_R86CqquigdBSZ4ApEuVcEutbr34pFL1kJ60bqH0_79_8YApKqv/s1600-h/Corn+Buster+%282%29.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 223px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU0cw3zml2N2KaXMc29WtHGApvGeGjgdBbQ19hzypSH3FTARQZGazcWXNkW-9mbp7WsjZIdmjfgKtSqK8Dt11c83D_u_R86CqquigdBSZ4ApEuVcEutbr34pFL1kJ60bqH0_79_8YApKqv/s320/Corn+Buster+%282%29.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5307217620140383282" border="0" /></a><br />It's like a ripoff of Develish, which in turn is an anally-pumped up version of Super Breakout with demons. Only in this game you're looking for corn flakes or something: according to some guy on youtube who actually sat through the entire intro all the corn flakes got stolen and, instead of just making some more, the Corn Flake Conglomerates of the Northern Hemisphere fund a gigantic 2-part space ship that repels a huge iron ball and send it out into massive, maze-like warehouses full of boxes (where the Corn Flake SS got a hot tip from Captain Crunch's ninjas that the stolen corn flakes were hidden) to smash them and hopefully find said missing corn flakes. Seems logical I suppose, at least as logical as a plane full of an ethnically diverse cast of characters who all just happen to have very colorful backgrounds crash-landing on some awesome tropical island nobody knows about even though the world is overpopulated and then encountering stupid shit like aliens and submarines and holes in the space time continuum for 5+ seasons.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Viking Content: 1/10 </span>The name is awesome.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Historical Accuracy: 10/10</span> They definitely did their research on the great Corn Flake famine of the late 1990's<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Patriotism Level: 0/10</span> Even the reds, whites, and blues are very dull in this game.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Foes Killed In Real Life As a Direct Result of Playing This Game:</span> 267, but that's because I got mule-kicked by a rhino into a cosplay convention while playing this on my silicon graphics workstation that I carry around on my back.<br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Berserk Rage:</span> Immediate upon realizing you've been lied to about the quality and content of corn busting.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Final Rating: 0 out of a possible 13 Valkyries carrying you to Valhalla. You remain in Midgard fluffing bulls and cleaning giraffe rectums. Turn to page 34.<br /></span>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-6366306639017390982009-03-11T11:37:00.000-07:002009-03-11T11:55:33.320-07:00Tribute to a Fallen Hero- Nick Nasty<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWH2v9pfGaxGqlIEb4DgIxQ5BMbAQjCS857Eaca9x9W_SDqDhGuGFi0Z5DZ2wrGNsIpDBN4r0h6TzM2c-1cw-iFkqsN1zrYne64lp2cWgcxjMZqPZ7Ak7rZg4ATnyL0zZWkZqlZqSLV5yY/s1600-h/pic.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 206px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWH2v9pfGaxGqlIEb4DgIxQ5BMbAQjCS857Eaca9x9W_SDqDhGuGFi0Z5DZ2wrGNsIpDBN4r0h6TzM2c-1cw-iFkqsN1zrYne64lp2cWgcxjMZqPZ7Ak7rZg4ATnyL0zZWkZqlZqSLV5yY/s320/pic.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312003809493146946" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">R.I.P.</span><br /><br /></div>A true Viking warrior has recently passed from the interwebs into legend, and he will be sorely missed. I stumbled upon the scene of a massive 49 strong Bear attack while he was updating his websites www.bodybuildingwithtractors.com and www.surplus-testosterone.com; he was lying in their midst, remains of a bloody keyboard in hand, with a pile of Bears cloven in half scattered about his valiant corpse. One bear was split in twain with just the shift key after his keyboard disentigrated from the massive amount of PSI behind his cleaves (barometetric pressure in the area from the flexing of his biceps as he clove alerted hurricane warning systems in 4 states).<br /><br />As a reward for a valorous life and an even more valorous death, here is the autographed picture of Jean Claude Van Damme that all true warriors receive from Thor upon entering Valhalla.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhARiYKTR-Ji2neJGrWKL1jYoICuV9avKeE8i-4z5joaNzKh2Y4nkmycbug5JU8_PBLzuJ1XVxcXUFzS3hRnnHCQ_NyKBymtmR9eRLwLLRNSxQMHsQDNfXG0tISU9JRFeRq7bH7G7_Rh7c0/s1600-h/Jean-Claude_Van_Damme-r875055.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhARiYKTR-Ji2neJGrWKL1jYoICuV9avKeE8i-4z5joaNzKh2Y4nkmycbug5JU8_PBLzuJ1XVxcXUFzS3hRnnHCQ_NyKBymtmR9eRLwLLRNSxQMHsQDNfXG0tISU9JRFeRq7bH7G7_Rh7c0/s320/Jean-Claude_Van_Damme-r875055.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312003815216389234" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Your reward for driving your enemies before you and hearing the lamentations of their women</span><br /></div>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-46384294878105464562009-02-08T16:12:00.000-08:002009-02-10T00:28:58.126-08:00Hard Thuggin VS Soft ThugginApparently there is some confusion in the distinction between hard thuggin' and soft thuggin'. Hard thuggin' is anything that involves both someone getting hurt & federal laws being broken (not state laws, those are for pussies). Even if the thuggin' is just knocking someone down and then ripping a stamp in twain it qualifies as hard thuggin' since you're a) hurting someone and b) breaking a federal law. Someone who hard thugs so much that they are in a perpetual state of thuggin' with a hardness level equal to or exceeding that of a diamond-- to the point that they defy the laws of thermodynamics by producing a self-sustaining source of thuggergy-- is considered a Hard Thugger. Hard Thuggers also sandpaper the pubes off their inner thighs and over-tan their ballsacks so that they are constantly enraged by the feel of worn leather against soft, womanly skin.<br /><br />Soft thuggin' is mainly just standing around doing your thang and looking like you <span style="font-style: italic;">might</span> be capable of breaking federal laws and causing bodily damage if the notion hit your cervix just right. Soft thuggin' is the warrior equivalent of when one of those shit-cocks who spout stupid shit at parties about government conspiracies gets a turd of reality slapped across his mouth by somebody who knows what the fuck they're talking about. Like this example (witnessed by myself)-<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Person privy to high-level classified secrets revealed only to the top big-wigs in the nation and those who know how to google</span>- "You know of course the whole switchover from digital to analog is so that the goverment can get boxes in your house to monitor you."<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Person who reads news that doesn't come from sites run by mental retards</span>- "Actually it's because it will free up a large part of the broadcast spectrum so the government can auction it off and also use part of it for emergency communications."<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Other person</span> "ZOIKS!!"<br /><br />True-blooded American heroes never leave their thuggin' out of the freezer overnight and let it get soft just like they don't add any girl over 150lbs to their tally unless at least 40 of those lbs are boobs with less than a 1:3 ratio of nipple-to-tit (if the nipples look like they should be covered in maple syrup and eaten by lumberjacks then they don't count) and maybe a weiner.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj163rAvgJSR-yll_h4K2MtuKEX_5E8t-9EM1gkilwvZXCQpqFsLGWatR6X94yhxwgY5B4TiuL95V1rP5X6Y62UFPHYU0yMsny0v5_KVHzJXoohsDbRzSYPhpVrecv27MScKVm6_3KQ8pK7/s1600-h/soft_thuggin.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 288px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj163rAvgJSR-yll_h4K2MtuKEX_5E8t-9EM1gkilwvZXCQpqFsLGWatR6X94yhxwgY5B4TiuL95V1rP5X6Y62UFPHYU0yMsny0v5_KVHzJXoohsDbRzSYPhpVrecv27MScKVm6_3KQ8pK7/s320/soft_thuggin.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301035423295658226" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Puffy nipples = instant erectile-dysfunctioning of any hardness your thuggin' may possess.</span><br /></div>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-75686537662097724802009-01-05T12:09:00.001-08:002009-01-06T13:41:01.202-08:00Viking Burning Questions- An Issue of MercyA fellow warrior, bear-destroyer, and inventor of the battering ram made entirely out of real rams has put forth the following question; when, if ever, is it acceptable for a Viking to show mercy? Let us go to the annals of Viking lore and peruse the leaflet called "Viking Mercy Through the Ages." It's only three pages long and two of the pages are covered with drawings of Thor in scrubs volunteering at the Visigoth planned parenthood clinic mercifully giving battle-axe abortions for free. But we're interested in the concrete warrior examples of mercy, of which there is exactly one.<br /><br />The circumstance arose around 1400 BC when Odin was but a young God. The story goes that supposedly he was out in the woods kicking trees in half like in KickBoxer or Bloodsport, whichever one Van Damme was kicking that tree until his shins were bloody, and the mightiest of all Bear warriors, Bearicules, charged him from behind in a shameful display of cowardice. Well Odin "rose mightily to the challenge, becoming immediately and powerfully berserk" (his words), and vanquished Bearicules. He provided this picture as proof-<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivz1kzyj5_UI-bZFqeiGOK-fnXxOP1lyG40SCY6jjKzqYAgA10UUHQDmIOEnWhkWPQPMLieuJSF45WkyfNzAtWrs5PxPMzeEbzowkSs3rOIlHaQq3QHPj80z-axcsvh5Jmi-1D6Wq6Zzfa/s1600-h/bear+odin+shame.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 204px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivz1kzyj5_UI-bZFqeiGOK-fnXxOP1lyG40SCY6jjKzqYAgA10UUHQDmIOEnWhkWPQPMLieuJSF45WkyfNzAtWrs5PxPMzeEbzowkSs3rOIlHaQq3QHPj80z-axcsvh5Jmi-1D6Wq6Zzfa/s320/bear+odin+shame.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287917291452593618" border="0" /></a><br />The sad truth is that Bearicules had failed to protect his Shogun and had committed honorable suicided by falling on his sword earlier that day. Odin had simply stumbled across the scene while hiding and crying about Ragnarok and snapped a picture, then used Loki's pirated copy of Photoshop to edit it to his advantage. Loki immediately sensed something was up and FTP'd into Odin's laptop and found that it's a composite of these two photos-<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmYB1lHgQPpvKkuMh4t9UlBIkxviSuydbPWNIcgtoBLKY7qeqb0drCIKphJlGRGM-Co4iBSekh_TXRt9o9FxLE494LxjI2BLuJYZs8BLbLaK1C-REEZCu6XFi1NAL8Buz5Q5YLJWqtx8fH/s1600-h/honorable+suicide+bear.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 204px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmYB1lHgQPpvKkuMh4t9UlBIkxviSuydbPWNIcgtoBLKY7qeqb0drCIKphJlGRGM-Co4iBSekh_TXRt9o9FxLE494LxjI2BLuJYZs8BLbLaK1C-REEZCu6XFi1NAL8Buz5Q5YLJWqtx8fH/s320/honorable+suicide+bear.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287917294314039970" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Bearicules after his honorable suicide</span>.<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiJK7CtPkOdiEyH-FVT3JvzgFyVwrZD7n5oQr5LlxaSjtrR4SC32LNsQrUjsxHqYewjCxwN7SRyvwtMAkoYL7dBKGeK7lxKWyDgVXpgeP6bsfnMX_H4zlJC-piOO1FQpJu6iG21JIQhrGd/s1600-h/young+odin.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 232px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiJK7CtPkOdiEyH-FVT3JvzgFyVwrZD7n5oQr5LlxaSjtrR4SC32LNsQrUjsxHqYewjCxwN7SRyvwtMAkoYL7dBKGeK7lxKWyDgVXpgeP6bsfnMX_H4zlJC-piOO1FQpJu6iG21JIQhrGd/s320/young+odin.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287917294744586050" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Odin's senior yearbook photo, taken while Thor was off fighting in the Viking Vietnam. Notice the draft-dodger smirk on his pasty, beardless face.</span><br /><br /></div>What does this have to do with mercy? Vikings don't show mercy; not even to Odin, and not even in the pettiest of things like exposing a photoshopped victory.#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-89330467578530723642008-12-22T13:56:00.001-08:002008-12-23T00:36:06.205-08:00Viking Burning Questions- Cinching & GapingI just got a very disturbing email from a fellow Viking asking me just how loose your asshole can be before it’s considered “too” loose. This is such an important subject that even though I was at the cottage of a buxom lass with huge, puffy pancake nipples (my favorite) checking my email after pillaging her privates and medicine cabinet, this emergency girded my loins up right proper and sent me to the anvil to forge a reply before this guy’s anus got any more stretched out. I have applied NASA’s extensive research into O-rings to my scale making it the most scientific in the entire world and even better than God’s or any other stupid asshole’s.<br /><br />I grade on a 13 point scale- one for every inch of Thor’s shaft (does not include his 4 inch helmet). It looks something like this-<br /><br /> 1. Not even sub-atomic particles can pass<br /> 2. Acceptable tightness<br /> 3. Needs work<br /> 4 - 12. Unacceptable<br />13. Complete and total prolapse<br /><br />(This scale can also be applied to vaginas but you have to reverse it because only the most gaped of vaginas can comfortably accommodate the girth of a Viking hog, anything less than a gape-factor of 13 will result in post-natal depression syndrome for the female)<br /><br />My anus is a 1.29999 for example- my shits look like I left a 30 foot brown LAN cable in the toilet when I’m done. It is of the utmost importance that a Viking keeps his elasticity so high that any boner attempting to penetrate would be instantly shorn in twain. It is imperative that nothing, I mean NOTHING, ascends a Viking’s rectum even a millimeter. If a turd goes halfway out then you accidentally suck it back in a scoche or a tittle, you just got assfucked. If your boxers breach the outer rim while you scratch an itchy asshole, your butt-hymen just got rocked. If you put your own finger up your butthole to see if you can feel the tip of a fat dook you’re ok, just don’t do it more than once a year and make sure you do it in the shower.<br /><br />Although it is extremely unlikely that anyone would even have access to a Viking’s unguarded asshole, Odin is quite fond of a tight rectus-majoris and will take any opportunity to date-rape a Viking warrior. Be careful at Odin’s table unless Thor is there to regulate or you WILL end up buggered in the bum (Odin’s dong is super tiny though so it won’t affect your elasticity, just your honor and warrior-pride. Also your t-cell count since Odin is riddled with mutant AIDS). As they say- an ounce of prevention, or anus-keggles, is worth a pound of re-cinching at the cosmetic surgeon. If your anus is too far gone (4-12) and you must have reconstructive surgery be sure to specify you don’t want the usual VCR belt installed for elasticity (they always broke on VCRs, this Viking had to ghetto rig many a VCR with rubber bands over the years after a belt broke halfway through Braveheart or Porky’s), you want the more expensive little girl’s scrunchy option (pink if available). They last forever, I’ve found those things on the road and I swear they look like they’re 100 years old but always still super elastic.<br /><br />The key to maintaining an anus in the 1-2 range is to eat tons of fiber and oil your rectum up with ram’s blood each morning to make your morning dook smooth as butter. You don’t want some baseball-sized donkey turd rending your asshole asunder just because you forgot to eat your whole grains the day before. Nutrition is paramount. Keep those stools soft and hold a playdough template between your ass cheeks to keep it fun- a 2-foot heart-shaped log will brighten any Viking’s day.#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-64419441649061011272008-12-12T17:33:00.001-08:002008-12-14T16:08:57.042-08:00Baffling Rap Lyrics Exposed: Shake ThatOh man, this song is more fucking ACE than Maverick in Top Gun. I love it. How can you not grab your hogimus prime and squeeze like you're trying to make a diamond when you hear Nate Dogg recite the line that perfectly sums up a warrior's life:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"Some girls they act retarded, some girls about it bout it </span> <span style="font-style: italic;"> I'm lookin for a girl that will do whatever the fuck </span> <span style="font-style: italic;"> I say everyday she be givin' it up"</span></div><br />That's the key to spiritual nirvana-- nay, the ultimate secret handed down by hugely-hung Chinese monks in a mythical monastery where only the most gigantic of wieners receive karate chop training equal to the force of felling a redwood tree onto a kindergarten full of visogoth kids. That such a nugget of eternal wisdom is given as a beautiful gift to our ears-- more beautiful than Dr 90210 offering to re-solder your cyborg anal-hymen back in place for free and make it so you can pretend you never got gang-raped by that herd of wild clydesdales in Montana-- is a wonder that could bring a tear to the burliest of Viking eyeballs (which is dangerous since Viking tears are concentrated testosterone so dense that they instantly impregnate whatever they touch with a tumbleweed of the blackest steel-mesh pubes).<br /><br />In fact the only thing baffling about these rap lyrics is that you don't hear warriors yelling them as they run into battle. How much more badass would Braveheart have been if Mel Gibson had screamed:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">"I've been to the muthafuckin mountain top<br />Heard muthafuckers talk seen em' drop<br />If I ain't got a weapon I'ma pick up a rock<br />And when I bust your ass I'ma continue to rock"<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKutype6TnQsFN4g2oFwRF8rNeLS8zwrDeo4tLGc_BHr-Odl59ZPInrrZq0UY6tjB8gUGgjKqMqDt1ZZGklktugntsKZiZlOtyHZ4ce7MIOvmD66J_hiQ5pWjM7QXycoi23MFfeu2wz2ZF/s1600-h/Nate+Dogg+on+Mountaintop.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKutype6TnQsFN4g2oFwRF8rNeLS8zwrDeo4tLGc_BHr-Odl59ZPInrrZq0UY6tjB8gUGgjKqMqDt1ZZGklktugntsKZiZlOtyHZ4ce7MIOvmD66J_hiQ5pWjM7QXycoi23MFfeu2wz2ZF/s400/Nate+Dogg+on+Mountaintop.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279093402751821202" border="0" /></a>Mountaintop expedition to verify presence of Nate Dogg is a resounding success.<br /><br /></div>...before smashing that one dude's head with a ball and chain. Nate Dogg wants to kill you<span style="font-style: italic;"> so bad</span> that he'll do it with a god damn rock if he has to. That's Viking ethics and philosophy rolled into one simple ideal that even a cowardly Roman could understand and admire right before he got his arms chopped off by a Viking with a rock. Not a sharp one either, Vikings actually grind down the edges on rocks before using them as weapons just to make cleaving fools in twain more challenging.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBpsmtJ349qtyHa7zDB4KGmwNKGguToHuHh90GkmAFq9c7OIhRYHlXaQNyKBevt22wBsmy5GDp-j5DeVHZjtTgRtdFbvLdCALiOJ0ENtBLowPd2g6_nR1nmdsQ39XYdYc_ISfFOs4NvHao/s1600-h/Vikingrockweapon.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 215px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBpsmtJ349qtyHa7zDB4KGmwNKGguToHuHh90GkmAFq9c7OIhRYHlXaQNyKBevt22wBsmy5GDp-j5DeVHZjtTgRtdFbvLdCALiOJ0ENtBLowPd2g6_nR1nmdsQ39XYdYc_ISfFOs4NvHao/s320/Vikingrockweapon.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279088817131093586" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Rock considered "mildly stout" by Vikings-- acceptable as a weapon for fighting opponents of equal weight such as Woolly Mammoths or Nintendo fans.</span><br /></div>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-53486342559009550382008-06-13T17:59:00.000-07:002008-12-13T02:10:40.177-08:00Glorious relaunch.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaSUwLFHkvOnScntDFEuOzZpvrsmHK_LmcaaUWsEAfc5yEWPZCYAbSv4Mu0KUVvxX_34jHW5qj-fd2oUb02CXC6k7DcJuVzczY_fxrFWKKhZYkcujXz5XaVglUlJKaiHnx6Q8Xf8YfwEKo/s1600-h/D9-viking.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaSUwLFHkvOnScntDFEuOzZpvrsmHK_LmcaaUWsEAfc5yEWPZCYAbSv4Mu0KUVvxX_34jHW5qj-fd2oUb02CXC6k7DcJuVzczY_fxrFWKKhZYkcujXz5XaVglUlJKaiHnx6Q8Xf8YfwEKo/s320/D9-viking.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5213117530861703698" border="0" /></a><br />VikingWarlord.com is launched again, a glorious thing that Valkyries are most definitely singing about right now. This is the one stop place if you're looking for Viking lore, Viking poetry (there is none- Vikings weren't art-fags, Vikings had sagas), and stern lectures in a Viking tone. There will also be much honor, shit-fucking-TONS of honor.#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-53624112966803187622008-06-17T23:54:00.000-07:002008-12-13T02:10:39.936-08:00Things that disgust me, part 1.<span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />The term "minty" when used to describe the condition of something. Why add the fucking y? It's more work to type it, it sounds stupid, and it doesn't do a better job of telling someone how nice of condition something is. Either something is fucking MINT or it isn't, there is no "minty" designation that somehow transcends mint and pushes the condition a scoshe or two past it.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">This retarded trend got started eons ago when some douche-mouth on ebay probably called his dirty, shit stained garbage "minty fresh" in reference to the polar opposite of what his mouth was perpetually like. Since this was on the internet- where people are like empty colostomy bags just waiting to be filled up with the worthless piss of others because they are so devoid of any talent or creativity themselves- it spread like crazy. And since this is the internet- where people are too fucking lazy to type complete words, let alone two of them- it got shortened to "minty", and many fatty jowls now jiggle with mirth as it is typed into infinity.</span><br /><br /></span><center style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVVcYoOjw1S3pV3ct4Q-Y5LmbdLa6DLNU5rKDczeyJj3bvCbXfGxbkFxICDv8Wzlo5WqPtvvQPFWyl1KlUT215W7Jbm_1pMS8AABkza8XLJxSa_kHqwIdI1D806aKfRLS78dlcrVlHByXr/s1600-h/Fat+Guy+Computer.bmp"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVVcYoOjw1S3pV3ct4Q-Y5LmbdLa6DLNU5rKDczeyJj3bvCbXfGxbkFxICDv8Wzlo5WqPtvvQPFWyl1KlUT215W7Jbm_1pMS8AABkza8XLJxSa_kHqwIdI1D806aKfRLS78dlcrVlHByXr/s200/Fat+Guy+Computer.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5213118351141994642" border="0" /></a></span></center><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;" >Fat fuck preparing to type "minty"</span></span><br /></div>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-41843297553888397172008-06-19T12:55:00.000-07:002008-12-13T02:10:39.746-08:00Baffling Rap Lyrics Exposed, volume 1<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyDYNHrAdgphgJk0Ju7cJfA_ngF0WN3XHKJ5gTD3U1AkwBrQvW9OFno9T3e9q2q16vif9szZQtiAKi7ssDc1w13mOJPOxE2YohVg2D3tfvdENijrMQA2BWSFLV-t_8B8U1eF85z2P7BUbZ/s1600-h/ballsack.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyDYNHrAdgphgJk0Ju7cJfA_ngF0WN3XHKJ5gTD3U1AkwBrQvW9OFno9T3e9q2q16vif9szZQtiAKi7ssDc1w13mOJPOxE2YohVg2D3tfvdENijrMQA2BWSFLV-t_8B8U1eF85z2P7BUbZ/s320/ballsack.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5213728258457071682" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Niggas tried to holla, but couldn't holla back, now they gotta swallow, everything in the sack"<br /></span><br />This classic piece of wordplay comes from DMX, an often featured guest at the post-pillaging fireside, a place where sagas of butt-snatch raping by the non-business end of battle axes flow freely. DMX is a true viking warrior in nearly all the important areas- awesome songs about stomping people and hitting them with his dick, 13 verified claymore kills, and multiple straight to DVD movies. With his good standing thoroughly cemented like a week-old jizz sock, I can dive straight into his baffling statement.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGPIcoMoHiZpcvQo6exVGodwioN7qTxkq0suP0e7Lab_Er_BYC0CaCCKdjN7vL9TxJDeLgHVOnG454A-RMR1e7BuwP920DZPjlcRChcwr9X2hR3XJRMnn68qR8ApWJfjZXVJ6b5RCawzjn/s1600-h/DMX_1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGPIcoMoHiZpcvQo6exVGodwioN7qTxkq0suP0e7Lab_Er_BYC0CaCCKdjN7vL9TxJDeLgHVOnG454A-RMR1e7BuwP920DZPjlcRChcwr9X2hR3XJRMnn68qR8ApWJfjZXVJ6b5RCawzjn/s200/DMX_1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5213727543455943730" border="0" /></a><br />The first thing you need to know is that "holla" has a couple meanings. The first is pretty obvious, you "holla" at somebody when you're saying hi. But a holla can also be a sinister thing, meant to get a man's blood rising.<br /><br />A combative holla works like this- somebody sees you walking, and they don't like you. They yell something at you like, "Hey ball licker, licked any balls lately?" This is the initial volley in the holla, and what DMX is referring to when he says "niggas tried to holla." The next move is the most critical one, and decides who is going to have a belly full of everything in the other guy's sack. You have to counter that holla with an even better one, effectively stopping your opponent in their tracks with a response like "Yeah, I licked your fat mom's transvestite balls last night, she said to tell you your breath smells like a dead man's prolapsed asshole."<br /><br />Now, if your opponent can't hit you with an even better/grosser comeback, or "holla back", then you win this exchange. Be sure to use the metaphor of your ballsack being a Shell Station and your opponent's stomach a SUV as he's forced to "swallow everything in the sack." Few can successfully use the holla in this mischievous way, but for those who attempt it, remember DMX's wise words as a warning of the dire consequences of failure.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-7636331263792480392008-06-19T16:15:00.000-07:002008-12-13T02:10:38.995-08:00VGR- Viking Battle for Asgard (360, PS3)<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZdLSGzcjPDZGG9zN8nGIrHMeem9tmPTTnE8tNNiT7HN281mcFeJ04CNOOzkLSzpoF1NPYsTQ7YIIvSeh2LfqpLtsO5IKjzRLLbM70pXcn5oLhQdKAH_sCuopkC_DAjz8rZvqpTa5vHDWs/s1600-h/vikingBLOW.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZdLSGzcjPDZGG9zN8nGIrHMeem9tmPTTnE8tNNiT7HN281mcFeJ04CNOOzkLSzpoF1NPYsTQ7YIIvSeh2LfqpLtsO5IKjzRLLbM70pXcn5oLhQdKAH_sCuopkC_DAjz8rZvqpTa5vHDWs/s400/vikingBLOW.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5213741887237703026" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Viking: Battle for No Actual Viking Content</span><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;">What a hunk of potato-sized shit. This game claims right on the box "VIKING BATTLE FOR ASGARD", but the only things you'll encounter that are even remotely viking-like are some crashed long boats on the beach and some references to Norse gods and Valkyries. Oh yeah it also has "Asgard" in the title, and it's called Viking. That's the extent of actual Viking content in the entire game, although I think it had some runes in there somewhere too but they don't count since they just made them up instead of using real ones.<br /></div><br />The first major problem with this game is its portrayal of Vikings as womanly, pathetic individuals who get captured en masse. We're led to believe that these "vikings" are so non-threatening that their captors let them <span style="font-style: italic;">keep their weapons</span>! Can you imagine being a viking in a cage with like 12 other vikings, and your captors have such disdain for your warrior skills that they not only let you remain armed to the teeth, but possibly throw you a few more weapons too? Seriously, when you free these guys they come running out of their flimsy ass cages, brandishing battle axes and full body armor. Bullshit. A real viking wouldn't have been captured in the first place, he would have clove his own head in twain, and ripped his own anus asunder before letting someone chain him up.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg62DEnwuZRpcrZe3Z3NQVOsymfk_sss_TTRC9Uxam9OMxse96dIC4HArujxfQu3lDSX1AQlpX72hUKaYmKGR3RZphwg-DTrhBs2yyEkCQs0nKPuG1DsUOL32jYUv_-8Pwsn3yRpJ5be-6j/s1600-h/vikingpussies.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg62DEnwuZRpcrZe3Z3NQVOsymfk_sss_TTRC9Uxam9OMxse96dIC4HArujxfQu3lDSX1AQlpX72hUKaYmKGR3RZphwg-DTrhBs2yyEkCQs0nKPuG1DsUOL32jYUv_-8Pwsn3yRpJ5be-6j/s400/vikingpussies.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5213738285731450914" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">bunch of pussy "vikings" cowering in a cage</span><br /></div><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;">That's just the tip of the helmet too, the problems in this game run deeper than Ice Cube's dick (but unfortunately did not put my butt to sleep). The graphics are pretty bad, especially when compared to the "gameplay" pics and movies that were shown before its release. Bad graphics I could handle though if the power of the Xbox 360 was put to use in realizing full beard physics, beard spacular highlighting, and beard strand-compositing, but- absorb this knowledge- the main character <span style="font-style: italic;">doesn't even have a beard.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCNLE5nynTern4QUP1nAxfqZYkwLkSXwe92RDeArYF96cqkhx0_PltaOvfZ7N2n1z0TTefe3M6wQdnQQL4sEGzvqLGsQAAEPwrzYxw52y85_coRxw_oa8mFzxq8aso5l0sImmw3dda36xJ/s1600-h/sega-vikings-ss.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCNLE5nynTern4QUP1nAxfqZYkwLkSXwe92RDeArYF96cqkhx0_PltaOvfZ7N2n1z0TTefe3M6wQdnQQL4sEGzvqLGsQAAEPwrzYxw52y85_coRxw_oa8mFzxq8aso5l0sImmw3dda36xJ/s400/sega-vikings-ss.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5213738768723532946" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Lack of "beard physics" conveniently hidden in this promotional pic</span><br /></div><br />In fact the entire game can be summed up with a dismissive "No beards, no deal." It's a fundamental flaw, like leaving out jumping in Mario- you don't make a Viking game about capture-prone vikings and then shave the main characters face right before shipping the game. Also, why are there long boats everywhere but you can't even row them? Would it have killed the developers to include a rowing minigame? Instead there are sneaking segments where you have to infiltrate an enemy base! Sneaking! What fucking genius history buff suggested "Hey you know how you always hear about Vikings sneaking around? Lets add some of that to the game."<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjWQKkpFuXtHf1k58CaQHlhpGyn1LNnZwaZ72sfb5iaoKzWy1a6RjQ0NuzmCaVt3CsUdbvt3HcSwfLbelw0MVjhd7aSYZcpwCJi-mrlzeyO2AyajUyEWVnpghIBDcX599uKeUaPAIRCD5L/s1600-h/VikingSamFisher.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjWQKkpFuXtHf1k58CaQHlhpGyn1LNnZwaZ72sfb5iaoKzWy1a6RjQ0NuzmCaVt3CsUdbvt3HcSwfLbelw0MVjhd7aSYZcpwCJi-mrlzeyO2AyajUyEWVnpghIBDcX599uKeUaPAIRCD5L/s400/VikingSamFisher.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5213745584868502578" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Typical Viking engaged in Spec-Ops behind enemy lines.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: left;">Viking Content: 2/10<br />Historical Accuracy: -34/10<br />Patriotism Level: 0/10<br />Foes Killed In Real Life As a Direct Result of Playing This Game: 27<br /></div></div>Berserk Rage: Moderately high, except on sneaking levels where it's instantly maxed out.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Final Rating: Dying with wounds in your back.</span>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-20831178634441620312008-06-19T17:30:00.000-07:002008-12-13T02:10:38.130-08:00Baffling Rap Lyrics Exposed, volume 2<span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAeG5n6rLGosUiEcfTNNWywKJ1bZjOp12aiyfSEgOH_3b6tlP5C1gmnMYiF5r5-mQKulbQ2tTrglWA5YX-5o8eUaHTrx_f1Chyphenhyphenq99Rdb5hu3okbYaI1pa2ViwtG_owF9DbStUW6dMM16rQ/s1600-h/Luke.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAeG5n6rLGosUiEcfTNNWywKJ1bZjOp12aiyfSEgOH_3b6tlP5C1gmnMYiF5r5-mQKulbQ2tTrglWA5YX-5o8eUaHTrx_f1Chyphenhyphenq99Rdb5hu3okbYaI1pa2ViwtG_owF9DbStUW6dMM16rQ/s320/Luke.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5213733746471981826" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" ><span class="txt_1"> "UH! Yo fuck ass niggas </span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" ><span class="txt_1"> let me tell y'all one thing right now I just don't give a fuck! </span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" ><span class="txt_1"> I'ma let niggas just RIP y'all motherfuckin' throwdown y'all </span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" ><span class="txt_1"> gay ass motherfuckers! Snoop ass hoe ass dog ass nigga! </span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" ><span class="txt_1"> Dre you ain't nothin' but my bitch I'ma make you my bitch! </span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" ><span class="txt_1"> You look like you could suck a nigga' dick hoe ass motherfucker!!"<br /><br /></span></span><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Now this one isn't so much baffling as it is just fucking insane. This is the type of rant you hear after somebody gets their drunk ass thrown out of a bar. He was probably irate since most of his friends were dying not just from AIDS, but from a platoon of STDs laying down suppressing fire on niggas' immune systems. Also he really, really hates Snoop ass hoe ass Dog hoe ass nigga and Dr hoe ass Dre ass nigga.<br /><br />This creative mastermind later went on to pen such classic lines as "</span><span style=";font-family:Verdana;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family:Verdana;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;" >I gotta fuck her in the butt snatch (Yeah!)</span> <span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;" > I gotta fuck her in her muthafucking pussy (Yeah!)</span>" and "</span></span><span style=";font-family:Verdana;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family:Verdana;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Let Me See You Shake Them Titis Pop That Pussy Doo Doo Brown, Doo Doo Brown, Doo Doo Brown, Doo Doo Brown, Doo Doo Brown, Doo Doo Brown, Doo Doo Brown</span>" </span></span><span style="font-size:100%;">if that gives you any clue as to his rapping ability.<br /></span></div></div><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" ><span class="txt_1"> </span></span>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-4020552274002077562008-06-20T14:48:00.000-07:002008-12-13T02:10:37.958-08:00VGR- Sol Moonarge (PCE Duo)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAc5H6lJJj69mQrVxyRrlr8QcGiz47dVGOh1nU_Z6JZZzdUdegdt-aADz5_uqjGcSgE5s0py594DV7l-lLhwdARIjRTmyRlt_44-DHWRBLPdGt1Et1b6DcKPwdO9BMBCB4YT60Eq2yxiWO/s1600-h/sol7.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAc5H6lJJj69mQrVxyRrlr8QcGiz47dVGOh1nU_Z6JZZzdUdegdt-aADz5_uqjGcSgE5s0py594DV7l-lLhwdARIjRTmyRlt_44-DHWRBLPdGt1Et1b6DcKPwdO9BMBCB4YT60Eq2yxiWO/s400/sol7.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5214090202660659570" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">These screen shots are all taken the way they took them in the old days, with a digital camera and a TV. There's a poll on CNBC.com where they surveyed 189,328 fags and every single one of them used an emulator for screen shots.*</span><br /><br /> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">Sol Moonarge is the story of a boy with a really long nose who sets out to find his dad. His nose is really long because for some stupid reason Japanese people seem to find that scary or intimidating or something, but besides the fact that they obviously ripped off Pinocchio for the design of the main character, the game is actually incredibly good.</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrf0FoHRmqaTba-tEcuiZ_dzgB0Pmb0hHEyR30pjjbgnrDFFYxPVJAqhjmVaT6f9kPpgNO9eyIkVESfuz-97ysyATkB9JVTiVGZRJBXnrIPd7tmjMejdophd9-v3szwZKXPpOzPDY8KOaP/s1600-h/sol3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrf0FoHRmqaTba-tEcuiZ_dzgB0Pmb0hHEyR30pjjbgnrDFFYxPVJAqhjmVaT6f9kPpgNO9eyIkVESfuz-97ysyATkB9JVTiVGZRJBXnrIPd7tmjMejdophd9-v3szwZKXPpOzPDY8KOaP/s400/sol3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5214090189929950594" border="0" /></a></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="center"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">This is about as 16bit RPG as you get, everything is completely streamlined and perfected. The battles load ultra fast, the menus are nicely laid out and not cluttered, there's minimal backtracking, and it's loaded with voices and cinemas. The most interesting departure Sol makes from regular RPGs is that many of the dungeons are viewed from the side like a 2D platformer (although they still play like the overhead dungeons). The graphics range from awesome to pretty good, but even at its worst it still looks a minimum of 12 times better than any Super Nintendo game.</span></p><br /><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxPf95FAbxjgDazKLMma-UmUB1BuTn_v1ZjzsAW81M5S8Aj3LpHTXlnCSZEB_HGY-h1Ai-E3w5ZN6BX9Lp4LRvDoebxyQARDQKzeLTHCWljKXJCnZ62BAGLde1tZoiqaJTQFvuEixTIgGF/s1600-h/sol2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxPf95FAbxjgDazKLMma-UmUB1BuTn_v1ZjzsAW81M5S8Aj3LpHTXlnCSZEB_HGY-h1Ai-E3w5ZN6BX9Lp4LRvDoebxyQARDQKzeLTHCWljKXJCnZ62BAGLde1tZoiqaJTQFvuEixTIgGF/s400/sol2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5214090179168546658" border="0" /></a></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">There's actually a great story about the title of this game. It was named by two Japanese nerd kids who won a contest in a nerd magazine or something gay like that, and they got to name the game. Since the main character is named Sol and he rages when the moon is full, and being future salary-men with no creativity and only the loosest grasp of English, they named it Sol Moonarge. The correct title should read "Sol Moon Rage."</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">Anyway the story is about this long nosed shit who goes looking for his dad who manages to get his retarded ass blasted across the continent by some other long nosed dufus in the first 2 hours of the game. The story isn't important though, since there are a shitload of dungeons and sweet puzzles to solve.</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA-YeMp8fo-5iO3aLUXtm1UJUxQsS_yEODrmp2levNOMeZ_8YHmL0UGJm5JdBmg3mTsFADAwv0QgIkYSsiwTy3sk2BdWxIK1xNPIJEE48g-UyfYkoyFvLI5pcddVlwxNkzShudAxRl9OJD/s1600-h/sol1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA-YeMp8fo-5iO3aLUXtm1UJUxQsS_yEODrmp2levNOMeZ_8YHmL0UGJm5JdBmg3mTsFADAwv0QgIkYSsiwTy3sk2BdWxIK1xNPIJEE48g-UyfYkoyFvLI5pcddVlwxNkzShudAxRl9OJD/s400/sol1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5214090168526728482" border="0" /></a></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="center"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">There are also some nipples on enemies and a couple bosses which is pretty cool. The only real drawback to the game is that all your companions look like they were designed by the double-retarded children of retarded adults. There's a hebrew with a beanie who rubs his hands together and thinks about money all the time (actually a pretty cool character now that I think about it), a tomato that grows into a bigger tomato, a generic girl, and a buff circus guy who wears green suspenders.</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="center"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">The best thing about playing games in Japanese is when somebody says something meaningful to someone else, the other person always says their name. For example-</span></p> <span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">Tetsukio- "Jingumi, your honor is very tight and can cleanly cut a banana in two."</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">Jingumi- "Tetsukio..."</span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">Honestly how retarded is that? I can't believe that Japanese people do this in real life. Imagine how gay it would be to say your friend's name when they said something to you.</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">Scott- "Hey man, that hat is fucking rad."</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">Brad- "Scott..."</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">Scott- "What?"</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">Brad- "When you said that, I could only sigh your name in reply."</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;">Scott- "UGH"</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size:100%;">That conversation would be ok if Scott and Brad were preparing to put chinese finger cuffs on their tongues and boners and have nearly impossible gay sex, but otherwise it's just gay.</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p><div> </div><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size:100%;">On my checklist of things to do in life is say something so meaningful to a Japanese person that they have no choice but to utter my name with a truly spectacular pause afterwards in which all we can do is look into each other's eyes and nod. I want the nod to be so meaningful that all I can do is utter the Japanese person's name back, and complete the circle of faggitude.</span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZwHKSL39S_rrA-2tTI2sgg2mOszZoK3ZeUrPB4MUJZAJ5GsYTMfWuY0XMUqMwS8K_9hvEkALC7aVozmwaz4810nJFKSLm_vXuPQYXp8VfamvFtcoRczRSV24reluATsNlLgOL9ldE2Ne6/s1600-h/sol6.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZwHKSL39S_rrA-2tTI2sgg2mOszZoK3ZeUrPB4MUJZAJ5GsYTMfWuY0XMUqMwS8K_9hvEkALC7aVozmwaz4810nJFKSLm_vXuPQYXp8VfamvFtcoRczRSV24reluATsNlLgOL9ldE2Ne6/s400/sol6.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5214090195744821074" border="0" /></a></p><p style="margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="left"><br /></p> <div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Viking Content: 1/10 </span>One character sort of looks like a Viking and definitely acts like one.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Historical Accuracy: 8/10</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Patriotism Level: 5/10</span> No references to the USA, but all the protagonists love freedom and hate terrorists<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Foes Killed In Real Life As a Direct Result of Playing This Game:</span> 2<br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Berserk Rage:</span> Very low, although the high encounter rate will occasionally send you into a berserker barrage.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Final Rating: 11 out of a possible 13 Valkyries carrying you to Valhalla.<br /></span>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-60125366227105199352008-06-26T23:08:00.000-07:002008-12-13T02:10:36.812-08:00Things that disgust me- 3oh!3<div style="text-align: justify;">Oh shit, some white guys just got a hold of a Casio keyboard and a drum machine, time for this years "funny white guys rapping" group! Who am I talking about? These two yeast infections-<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWgnisfiqFgHP82Ud9nE_DOeUkK7xhFRWbOQ9apJIDFUsHTNKtnNdM0MnJBiDZ11x3Gr8tNTv4QNdpNAnj2ceKAIVgjn0NKTeh2YIHvnVDqfbJKCmYBeGk6GhFPtrQiYq4bYGY_DYnAPjk/s1600-h/douche+bag+faggots.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWgnisfiqFgHP82Ud9nE_DOeUkK7xhFRWbOQ9apJIDFUsHTNKtnNdM0MnJBiDZ11x3Gr8tNTv4QNdpNAnj2ceKAIVgjn0NKTeh2YIHvnVDqfbJKCmYBeGk6GhFPtrQiYq4bYGY_DYnAPjk/s400/douche+bag+faggots.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5216440207345515138" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Newest contender for worst rap group of all time</span><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">Call me a doctor because I need some stitches for my sides! Check these guys out- the dude in the front is, holy shit, biting a microphone cord! Can he do that??!! And that guy in the background, OH MY GOD! Is that a wacky outfit with ironic sunglasses and an outrageously tacky scarf? The stitches I just freshly had put in my side are now splitting! I feel like my funny bone just got suplexed off the empire state building straight onto a nuclear warhead!<br /><br />Seriously, FUCK these retards. Their whole bag is that they pretend they're really hard. That's it. No witty observations, no sarcastic commentary on ghetto/yuppy cultures, no creativity whatsoever. They just rap like gangster black guys would, but they do it "ironically." And they do it over shitty beats that sound like something off a down-syndrome tribute to Timbaland's worst tracks performed by the Kidz Bop live show.<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGgAu7ovsxNTZrDHSm2-nEAs6_VCsdedNNxvJq0g9g14qwytWJw0UlxgOznPMw5qE7ZYfkHRshn1awGPoeToUxNUUvAp5eNUu0ltpWRVZNimZdOFmyhL8gpIBnHNQJEMSasVdEjDbPsYY0/s1600-h/shit+eaters.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGgAu7ovsxNTZrDHSm2-nEAs6_VCsdedNNxvJq0g9g14qwytWJw0UlxgOznPMw5qE7ZYfkHRshn1awGPoeToUxNUUvAp5eNUu0ltpWRVZNimZdOFmyhL8gpIBnHNQJEMSasVdEjDbPsYY0/s320/shit+eaters.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5216446800479903666" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Hot new rap group, or two guys who wouldn't know funny if it shit donkey jaw bones up their dick holes? You decide!</span><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">Does anyone actually listen to the genre of "humorous rap?" Judging by how many hits these guys have on their myspace page I'd say tragically, yes. I assume their fans are the same people who watch Mad TV, go to see romantic comedies, and EAT SHIT. Listening to their music makes me feel like my face is being smothered in the fattest man alive's sweaty chode while my own chode is being gnawed on by a crack whore's gap toothed grill. Even orangutans, who will laugh at anything no matter how fucking stupid (i.e. Dane Cook), are disgusted with 3oh!3.<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtj-CKNS4qNHA1LAlxFKRz5M6i_J9WUs_-Wr-9VD8zNOJ3I3TebmYbWvrzEdErFf93zNCsFiKq38_56acKecOszH6hcP9FeTvQtjOxZnlgS3xg-AW3kpaa1Eg_-oB6Hao3YXO8KMO-7GwI/s1600-h/Disgusted+Monkey.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtj-CKNS4qNHA1LAlxFKRz5M6i_J9WUs_-Wr-9VD8zNOJ3I3TebmYbWvrzEdErFf93zNCsFiKq38_56acKecOszH6hcP9FeTvQtjOxZnlgS3xg-AW3kpaa1Eg_-oB6Hao3YXO8KMO-7GwI/s400/Disgusted+Monkey.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5216446502096909074" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">3oh!3 fails the famed "Orangutan test" for funny.</span><br /></div>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-28409528512812835382008-06-27T00:35:00.000-07:002008-12-13T02:10:36.349-08:00Guests at Odin's Table- scrawniest asian gang in the world.<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaLA197dBLgex4ydzJuBvDdYnCHpvQLDn_jwVEGK5KzoixJ26E0qPIzWSGeAeWXvglMnNKDDxDvNJVHl1tYoRbp91OTUuWNasN3Csls8S9WTd0Sej5sdMgErFO53naoII4hHtYdXUejzIe/s1600-h/toughguysuc9.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaLA197dBLgex4ydzJuBvDdYnCHpvQLDn_jwVEGK5KzoixJ26E0qPIzWSGeAeWXvglMnNKDDxDvNJVHl1tYoRbp91OTUuWNasN3Csls8S9WTd0Sej5sdMgErFO53naoII4hHtYdXUejzIe/s400/toughguysuc9.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5216462167426152146" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">There's at least 8 or 9 inches of wiener in this room.</span><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">These guys are so fucking hard, I would share a mammoth's skull full of grog with them any day. They're all obviously in some dude's garage, half naked, crammed together, and looking tough, yet there's not a hint of wanting to tongue kiss each other's teensy little nipples. That takes true metal.<br /></div>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-19981640785392037582008-12-12T12:52:00.000-08:002008-12-12T17:26:55.101-08:00Enemies of the Norns- George CarlinI fucking <span style="font-style: italic;">hate</span> George Carlin. He's never said a funny thing in his entire life, period, in fact the only funny thing that fucker ever did was die and that was only mildly amusing. This is a guy who's entire career was based on standing up in front of people and talking common sense like he was your fucking mom or something, yet he was adored by millions of pseudo-intellectual cancer-clits around the world because he STUCK IT TO THE MAN. You want to know a good comedian? Jerry Seinfeld. You know how I know he's a good comedian? Because he tells fucking <span style="font-style: italic;">jokes</span>. All George Carlin ever did was repackage communal common sense into a shitty routine that only people who think they're a factor of 1 googleplex smarter than they actually are liked to pretend was funny.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigSJcyd2R8Dh3eSm7vrd1k4Zjhzhm1NmW-Wn9LIs6QcUVqOMvNLFeEMAryT2_7ya-rQQzaLZHih5ccrUlm1-Cr5XH2Im0F5CJYDFdDuiA7J3ww-fCvZLG1P0G-HK3BatqWaDe4MPyBo7JF/s1600-h/george+carlin+sucks+shit.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 290px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigSJcyd2R8Dh3eSm7vrd1k4Zjhzhm1NmW-Wn9LIs6QcUVqOMvNLFeEMAryT2_7ya-rQQzaLZHih5ccrUlm1-Cr5XH2Im0F5CJYDFdDuiA7J3ww-fCvZLG1P0G-HK3BatqWaDe4MPyBo7JF/s400/george+carlin+sucks+shit.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279014260396894642" border="0" /></a>I saw George Carlin on David Letterman one night. He spent three minutes on a monologue that went basically like this, "...we're over-medicated, over-stimulated, pez-dispenciated, fighting wars with arab illuminated, blah blah blah..." Three fucking minutes. If a comedian's job is to razor-focus a warrior's anger and send him into a berserk status equal to 40 bears being simultaneously stung on the helmet by a bee then yeah, he was an awesome comedian. The crowd loved it too, like they'd never heard someone rhyme a bunch of gibberish into a barely coherent monologue before. My jaw unhinged and dropped to the carpet when the crowd cheered for the retard-- I was literally paralyzed with such dense, concentrated pure rage that a small black hole opened in front of me and if it wasn't for my jaw being exactly the same width as Casper Van Dien's (i.e. too wide to fit through anything) it might have been sucked into oblivion and left me looking like Raziel.<br /><br />George Carlin fans are the worst too, they get so pissed off when you don't see the "genius" in a guy who stood on stage and talked about how ridiculous religion, super-conservatives and republicans are. That's like giving someone credit for pointing out that people who let horses butt fuck them are a little weird. Seriously, one Sinbad monologue contains more unique insights than George Carlin's entire career.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1-IOTLN859gatUKx4pQ4PeBK7i1RC_bn2Z5Q0gbL1P-MSsq4p1YwG0yl6nYs63nzuyycHBRZMwAhf4qeQHIiDLnTr17Q2-k3JcRmHIMIUmpla7-V1taSJY9-3vHOPil9WdVnVgWDnLkK9/s1600-h/sinbad+is+sweet.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 209px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1-IOTLN859gatUKx4pQ4PeBK7i1RC_bn2Z5Q0gbL1P-MSsq4p1YwG0yl6nYs63nzuyycHBRZMwAhf4qeQHIiDLnTr17Q2-k3JcRmHIMIUmpla7-V1taSJY9-3vHOPil9WdVnVgWDnLkK9/s320/sinbad+is+sweet.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279016168894243202" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Way funnier than George Carlin</span><br /></div>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-59337078606451261792008-12-12T13:30:00.000-08:002008-12-12T13:40:02.588-08:00What is wrong with you fuckers?Here's how people are finding my site. This is either very disturbing or going completely according to plan, I can't decide which. Most people would be slightly disturbed that their site was #1 for the search "blown anus"or #7 for "pic of a weight lifters blown rectum", but I do take pride in being #3 for "superhuman cocks banging fat pussies" since that's like 40% of what this site is all about. That and pre-natal horse porn.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1VEiNL6AIi_M7618q_QLG5NESIa2sE-0wtTDgqS37qSuOChmzE-q_fl96rKw8nONqRn7nX1kI1lSZazpqHwrxuNyngmB-yNa2xk_tfJQyzk7Ig6D7RLIKVlZUD-SB_cJTJtsmH-iFuUKk/s1600-h/SearchResults.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 390px; height: 360px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1VEiNL6AIi_M7618q_QLG5NESIa2sE-0wtTDgqS37qSuOChmzE-q_fl96rKw8nONqRn7nX1kI1lSZazpqHwrxuNyngmB-yNa2xk_tfJQyzk7Ig6D7RLIKVlZUD-SB_cJTJtsmH-iFuUKk/s400/SearchResults.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279020233482757106" border="0" /></a>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-68234622194920308582008-12-03T12:51:00.001-08:002008-12-03T20:00:37.480-08:00Enemies of the Norns: Shit-eaters at the gymNormally I wouldn't bother posting anything about gyms or working out on the internet because 132% of internet faggots (fat gunts and gross man-tits make up the additional 32%) are so disgustingly obese or scrawny the only time they've seen a gym is watching that old clip of Arnold talking about how pumping iron is like boning a hot chick. But then I remembered that people who read this site are the only exception to that rule. Readers of my blog are Vikings-- men so fucking buff that their internal organs have six-packs and their veins have a load capacity equal to 4 garden hoses duct-taped together; men so strong they have to arm wrestle tug boats for a challenge.<br /><br />So, readers, flex open your meaty eyelids and enjoy my list of the types of guys at the gym that every true warrior hates.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">My Arms Are So Buff My Sleeves Exploded Guy</span><br />Why does this jigga gotta ruin a perfectly good shirt? The only acceptable reason to be wearing a sleeveless shirt is if you actually flexed the sleeves off, yet you can always see the scissor marks on this fucktard's shirt where the sleeves used to be. There seems to be a reverse correlation between how buff a guy's arms are and how much shirt he wears; if the sleeves are ripped off then there's a 90% chance he's got fat arms. Fat is lard, and lard does not require a shirt sleeve to be detonated to make room. Buy a bigger fucking shirt if your fat-lard arm doesn't fit in the sleeve. If a guy's shirt not only has the sleeves cut off but is slit from the armpit all the way down to the bottom so that he might as well be wearing a poncho then there's a 100% chance the guy is a scrawny fuckface. Either way, no buffness has ever been observed in the immediate vicinity of a sleeveless shirt unless you count the homo's buff boyfriend slamming his asshole with a little sleeveless condom on his dong.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Annoying-Face Super-Correct Posture Guy</span><br />This is the guy who walks like a fucking broom was crammed up his rectum at some point in his life and he just never bothered to take it out. His super-correct posture is also ALWAYS accompanied by a stupid fucking look on his face. You can never pinpoint exactly what it is about his face that pisses you off so much-- it's a nebulous quality that defies all attempts to label it as asshole-face, shit-eater face, etc. Instead it possesses qualities of every fucking annoying face you've ever seen. Something about a guy who decides he's going to walk around like a fucking English nanny just brings out a look that makes any true warrior's ballsack berserk all over his wiener in rage.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Misshapen Gross Body Guy</span><br />This is the guy that's pretty buff but vile to look at. Maybe his legs are too short. Maybe his belly is way too fat and he has gorilla arms. Or maybe he's just plain fucking gross and even a Sherlock Holmes who can bench 550lbs couldn't figure out exactly why. There's one guy at my gym who looks like a stumpy mexican who swallowed a keg of PBR, yet he insists on wearing tight tank-tops and shorts as if his malformed body wasn't a wretched sight and instead he should show off the results of his shallow gene-pool. Hot-tip; if you look like you belong in a video game fighting Super Mario then you shouldn't be wearing tiny tank-tops.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Regular Clothes Guy</span><br />People who wear regular clothes to the gym are either completely retarded, so new to working out they weren't aware that "workout clothes" isn't just a superfluous name for wacky pants that serve no purpose, or stumbled in there by accident and figured they should act like a cat when it falls off something and pretend they meant to. I can't even begin to fathom the guy who thinks it's a good idea to wear his bugle boys to the gym when workout pants literally cost $5 at any sporting goods store. There's few things more appalling than watching some dude in tight wranglers try to lift weights-- I say <span style="font-style: italic;">try</span> because these tard's bodies usually have the muscle mass of Stephen Hawking's left leg.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Doing Weird Shit That Doesn't Work Guy</span><br />Probably my personal most hated gym guy because he's always hogging up the best machines doing stupid shit anybody with even the most remedial knowledge of physiology could tell you is a waste of time. If you've seen that youtube video of that dufus doing leg exercises on a rowing machine then you know what I'm talking about-- this retard is why all the machines have warning labels on them. His dual grasps of the fundamentals of body building and the fundamentals of physics are equally appalling, yet if asked why he's doing something that looks like it should be called seizure-robics he always has some bullshit pseudo-technical answer. He's also the guy who never puts on a shred of muscle despite being at the gym all the time. Some may admire his dedication to discovering the mythical workout routine that enables him to explode to Brock Lesner levels of buffness overnight, but real Vikings agree if you're not going to workout right then don't bother going to the gym at all.#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-8073594494305933842008-12-01T17:56:00.000-08:002008-12-01T19:01:22.709-08:00Viking-correctIn the past few weeks I have been stopped countless times in 7-11 and on the street by people asking me the same question. They phrase it a thousand different ways, but the jizz of it is always-<br /><br />"We know what Vikings hate when it comes to fashion, but what can I wear to be Viking-correct?"<br /><br />I thought I would throw up a quick guide so everyone can come Viking-correct. First thing is first- if you're wearing a pooka-shell necklace or a livestrong bracelet you need to heat up some coconut oil until it smokes then pour it down your throat until the broseph is burnt out of your soul or you die. Preferably die.<br /><br />1: Music player. One of the most important fashion accessories a Viking has (his axe doesn't count since it's a killing accessory on one end and a pleasure accessory on the other. Which end is what depends on how much the Viking likes you) is his personal metal/techno producing device to give him that edge during rowing and fighting. Some Viking hordes use a cage full of real metal bands and real guys pressing one key on a keyboard, some vikings go "UM TISS UM TISS" with their mouths while another Viking mouth-guitars a crunchy riff and another talks about battle in his righteous Viking voice, but most Vikings just use a Zune. Zunes enable a Viking to push women in the mud and stomp visogoth children into the dirt at a rate unheard of before Bill Gates took his hand out of everyone's cookie jar long enough to ascend to Aesgard and arm wrestle Odin for his prototype Zune. Odin lost of course because Bill Gates is fucking awesome and now Vikings are blessed with the best portable media player ever. And the best part is that Bill Gates practically gives them away for ridiculously low prices that any Viking can afford, it's like trading off two fire logs and a smidgen of ram's blood for one.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWhp6W10SDAWylW_1OKb-ifaG6_pB9yUB80ZQ0agYJP8Ge_kL-RMwhiobrxcziNXTJGLljt34AgilqP8Ql1S9jR8HXwwd_2wrkzfzIcwnuRwcVd_j4rSQ7xLR1Sw_AkIbilNbL79417Omv/s1600-h/zune-fatso.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 286px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWhp6W10SDAWylW_1OKb-ifaG6_pB9yUB80ZQ0agYJP8Ge_kL-RMwhiobrxcziNXTJGLljt34AgilqP8Ql1S9jR8HXwwd_2wrkzfzIcwnuRwcVd_j4rSQ7xLR1Sw_AkIbilNbL79417Omv/s320/zune-fatso.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275017408092741618" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Not a Zune tattoo you terrified fat retard, a REAL Zune.</span><br /></div><br />2. Bearskin jerkin. This is perhaps the most over-looked fashion accessory. Most Viking hopefuls think, "hey all bearskins are separate but equal, why does it matter what kind I wear?" Well that is a complete assery of fuckitude. A good bearskin will cause you to go berserk WAY sooner, thus killing way more people and possibly even pushing a tree or two down onto fat kids who can't get out of the way fast enough. I've personally gone berserk before I even got off the longboat and managed to swim to a roman boat and kill everyone on board before cutting a broad-shouldered swath of anal destruction 7 miles long all because I was wearing a deep black bearskin hide taken from the mightiest bear warrior I could kill while he was drunk on fermented honey and passed out from a chinese opium overdose. I must have raped at least 832 buttholes and stolen 40-50 Playstation 3's that day, all due to my bareskin jerkin coming from the stoutest of bear warriors. One Viking was caught wearing a jerkin from a bear who was known to watch Family Guy and was promptly castrated and forced to listen to the Vietnamese national anthem sung in vietnamese until his eardrums exploded from disgustingly-gross-language overload.<br /><br />Hot tip- never wear your bearskin jerkin while taking a duke, an accidental berserking has been the cause of many a behelmeting of a formerly impressive hog.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYo7xo8G9g_JQyO48N67ldbpquK3e41uHI8aLUa54Kt2QSKJtcaNxitX_qd25aw0sCoJJXPohcQmBUXivVTzFqsAoq6QK_5Qv2UyyYE5xdecdaOA6Sv8S-qF6YVPUlPu8LSMN8n7JKzoNR/s1600-h/misguided+protestors.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYo7xo8G9g_JQyO48N67ldbpquK3e41uHI8aLUa54Kt2QSKJtcaNxitX_qd25aw0sCoJJXPohcQmBUXivVTzFqsAoq6QK_5Qv2UyyYE5xdecdaOA6Sv8S-qF6YVPUlPu8LSMN8n7JKzoNR/s320/misguided+protestors.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275017156576040818" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Vikings hate PETA with a fury unmatched. When bears form Bears for the Ethical Treatment of Vikings and protest other bears wearing Viking-bone necklaces then we'll talk.</span><br /></div>#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-33635629354214815852008-11-05T22:10:00.001-08:002008-11-05T22:21:11.226-08:00Blasphemous Viking Art- part 1<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmoCoCxE39Iw6ww2GgT5iGVfNBeHJgLufRNabdim2qaDwIMltCiBa_l4SxZQCwPq-2wbY6_Kb89JRVoSVb54C4SJ2Hz8TxykFyd3YSIvdYwW6PvA08lBFGlI0Nysv_boGy2fP-U0kBhCRX/s1600-h/fake+viking+on+seqway.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 309px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmoCoCxE39Iw6ww2GgT5iGVfNBeHJgLufRNabdim2qaDwIMltCiBa_l4SxZQCwPq-2wbY6_Kb89JRVoSVb54C4SJ2Hz8TxykFyd3YSIvdYwW6PvA08lBFGlI0Nysv_boGy2fP-U0kBhCRX/s400/fake+viking+on+seqway.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5265423117995638706" border="0" /></a><br />What the fuck is that, a segway? A fucking Viking so lazy he cant even walk to his next battle, he has to find an extremely flat surface free of bumps and minor obstructions so he can segway there? Those are also some extremely smooth legs, either the artist forgot to draw hair or he not only envisioned some ancient equivalent of nair when he was drawing, but that his subject was the type of segway using warrior-metrosexual that would have an ample supply. <br /><br />This picture brings to mind the old Viking saying that if a man's tunic only stretches 2 inches past the dangle of his balls, murder him and his children then rape his goats with their corpses (Viking sayings are generally pretty grim and never rhyme).#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3404980866103337350.post-77270507411661174022008-11-05T21:23:00.001-08:002008-11-05T22:08:20.460-08:00A Viking perspective on all this election faggotry<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-U68r0WG9xgXK0AuApuoHtOVwfR5t5CVmuHVSSOMiE9b0Qvhji6CI222brqPGEM6wAb-alJMyOhddUlghKGSeymJYBKHEQZ6nFPpdXylCj5vvc7abIz36Wf12UQYn5IAu1ifPfvn_txoE/s1600-h/VikingSalutingFlag.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-U68r0WG9xgXK0AuApuoHtOVwfR5t5CVmuHVSSOMiE9b0Qvhji6CI222brqPGEM6wAb-alJMyOhddUlghKGSeymJYBKHEQZ6nFPpdXylCj5vvc7abIz36Wf12UQYn5IAu1ifPfvn_txoE/s400/VikingSalutingFlag.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5265422392816983602" border="0" /></a><br />I went to the polling place on tuesday, ready to cast my humongously-hung vote-- it was literally such a girthy vote that they had to set up a special double-wide booth for it to dig out-- and was surprised to find no candidates that represented either my Norwegian heritage or the issues I firmly believe in. The issues being; property rights for conquered peoples (I'm against the government forcing a razing ban, a Viking should be able to burn anything he can't carry away), the de-criminalization of super-late term abortions (like after 9 months) when performed in a capacity that shuts a screaming, shit eating baby the fuck up (I'm for it), and a lifting of any and all fines levied on long boats left unattended on public beaches.<br /><br />After quickly becoming jaded with our stupid ass democratic system, I decided it was time for action in a method that some may call completely random and having nothing to do with democracy, but which I call patriotism in its truest form. I launched a campaign to decide for the next 4 years just how deep my jimmy should run in everyone's rectum. This was no two party system; I put forth candidates from all sectors, appealing to all peoples. The liberals could choose TO THE HILT, the conservatives were represented by BALLS DEEP, and the independents could rally behind GAPING & PROLAPSE DEPTH.<br /><br />I ran a successful campaign in those 2 hours before the polls closed, and was happy to see that GAPING & PROLAPSE DEPTH walked away with the popular vote. It was a victory for the little guy who wants a massive whale of a man-hog going full bore on his/her soon to be prolapsed anus. I look forward to making good on my campaign promise; to GAPE each and every asshole until you can play a successful game of Operation in your anus with the fat end of a bowling pin, then grab your rectum with my pee hole mandibles and tug it out until it looks like a worm from Dune hanging out of your butt.#1VandDammeFanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16446331158257914793noreply@blogger.com0